My marriage is the kind of relationship where we talk about pretty much everything. Except sex. Then we get all coy and rely on the halting language of teenagers. There are a few things I wish my husband knew about sex, but I probably will never tell him. Instead I will write an anonymous list on the internet and wonder if he will ever find it and connect the dots. You can see why we might have a problem…
- I’m shy about this stuff. I know I should talk to you about all of these things and more. But I’m still shy. Which is ridiculous considering all the other things we talk about it. We just need to get better at talking about this.
- Quickies are fine. A sneaky quickie is fine by me. We are busy people. Taking opportunities as they occur, even if there’s only a ten minutes space to seize it, is actually more okay with me than you think.
- Compliments are a good idea. My body doesn’t look like it did when we first got together. I know it; you know it. Sometimes I’m self-conscious about it, so let me know you still love all the curves. It’s important to me.
- Just keep me at lukewarm. You’ve been told that women need to be in a certain head space before they can consider sex. To a degree, that’s true. I can’t be simultaneously pissed off at you and turned on by you. But if things are good between us, I can go from zero to horny quicker than you can raise your eyebrows.
- “Touched Out” is a thing – Sorry. There are times when I am completely “touched out”. It’s not so bad any more, but when the kids were very little it felt like my body belonged to every-one else but me. I needed time to feel connected to myself again as an autonomous person. I’m sorry if that made you feel rejected and neglected but at, that point, I had nothing left to give.
- Sometimes sleep takes priority. There are times when sleep just has to take priority. It’s so much better than it was, but there was a time when I was in “survival” mode. The bed meant one thing and one thing only: an opportunity to sleep. You’ve had sleepless nights, I know. But I don’t think you lasted years on an average of 4 hours a night. Let me put it this way: when I’m bone tired, there will be no boning.
- Give me sleep and I’m up for it. You can actually do something about the sleep situation. If you give me some time to sleep, by taking the kids out of the house and encouraging me to rest up, then I will have all kinds of energy for all kinds of other things.
- If you want sex – come to bed when I’m awake. You’re a night person and I’m a morning person; our energy has always been different. Come to bed a bit earlier and see what happens.
- Multiple orgasms aren’t a requirement. I’m thankful that you are generous in bed, but honestly you need to give the multiple orgasms as an indicator of success thing a rest. Seriously. Just because it’s physically possible doesn’t mean it always needs to happen. Sometimes a girl just wants to bask in the afterglow and leave it at that.
- The backdoor requires discussion before unlocking. The throes of passion are not the ideal time to try and introduce a novel idea. I’m likely to be up for it. But a girl needs some preparation time – let’s talk about these things before we try them out.
- I get the porn thing. I don’t love it, but I understand the need for release and that the naked ladies on the internet are helpful in that arena. Just be honest about it — I’m really not going to have a problem with it.
- I have my own thing. A girl has needs too, mine tend to be satiated by erotic novels. Just think what could happen if we shared our secret sex lives?
- I will never, ever get or forgive an online relationship. The naked, anonymous ladies on the internet don’t threaten our marriage. But venturing into the worlds of online relationships would. Don’t do it. Ever.
- Underwear. It’s important. Those sexy smalls are actually selfish. They are all for putting me in the mood. If they help put you in the same frame of mind, then that’s the cherry.
- Housework is sexy. Looking after the kids and doing the housework, without complaint, without having been prompted and with no expectation of adulation, is basically the sexiest thing you can do.
- It doesn’t need to last forever. I know I’m giving all sorts of mixed signals here, but honestly – going at it all night is such a waste of precious sleeping time. You say “I want to love you all night.” I think, “Wouldn’t 45 minutes be enough?”
- It’s all about affection. If we are affectionate outside the bedroom, it will translate to affection within the bedroom. Kisses and cuddles are important to me – see the point above about being kept lukewarm.
- I do want more sex. I know you want more sex, but you might be surprised to know that I do as well. And I think, in time, we will get there. The early parenthood years aren’t easy on any marriage.
- I still find you sexy. I should definitely tell you this. You still make the butterflies flicker in my tummy and I still catch my breath when you smile that certain smile. I still think you are damn fine.
- I got all kinds of fantasies. There’s a lot we haven’t explored yet. And I’d like to — I just need to work up the courage. I really think our best years are still ahead.
- No matter what, I love you. When we’re hot and heavy, I love you. When the times are lean, I love you. And that will never change. Our sex life isn’t the single barometer on how we are doing as a couple.
What would you tell your man in an anonymous letter?