Crazy Sh*t Moms Say to Their Kids Constantly

Sometimes words come out of my mouth and I think, When did it comes to this? I went to college, I’m an avid reader, I enjoy lively conversations. So why am I wrestling my daughter at the dinner table and screaming, “Don’t rub your fork between your toes while you’re eating!” And, sadly, why is that the most intellectual thing I’ve said all day?

When I find myself arguing with my kids over the most ridiculous sh*it imaginable, I can’t help laughing (y’know, later, when the kids aren’t looking). Sometimes these absurd admonitions take place over breakfast, or on the walk to school. Sometimes my advice is accepted and adhered to, and other times everything. just. breaks. Recently, I read a story in The Guardian about a little girl who threw a massive tantrum on the White House floor, right in front of President Obama. The 2-year-old girl’s flailing, White House meltdown all started because her mom told her, “No, you cannot take your clothes off.” I have to admit, I was thrilled. Come on, be honest. Doesn’t some part of you secretly love it when you pass by another person’s child having a meltdown? You give the parent a sympathetic look and thank your lucky stars it’s not your demon child. We’ve all been there. Right? 

I must’ve told my daughter not to strip in public a thousand times. In fact, I’ve actually said much weirder, grosser, and more ludicrous things. I asked around, and it turns out we’ve all said some pretty bananas sh*it to our kids. Here are some of our best one liners. A round up of all the insane things I and my friends have had to tell our children. What would you add to the list?

1. “Don’t touch your vagina while you’re peeing.”

2. “Don’t stuff chicken down your straw and then drink it.”

3. “Don’t lick the subway pole.”

4. “Please don’t bite the cat’s tail.”

5. “Don’t light saber your penis.”

6. “Shampoo is not for drinking.”

7. “Don’t taste your poop.”

8. “Your undies are not a hat — especially if they’re dirty.”

9. “No, we cannot leave beer for the Easter bunny.”

10. “Stop eating the drywall.”

11. “Get your penis out of the light socket.”

12. “Don’t eat the pickle that you randomly found in your bedroom.”

13. (Follow up): “Don’t leave pickles in your bedroom.”

14. “If you want to help daddy make gingerbread cookies you need to get your hands out of your pants.”

15. “No, you should not put a knife up your nose.”

16. “A rabid weasel is not going to kill you in your sleep, I promise.”

17. “Don’t fart in your brother’s face. Or mine.”

18. “Just because I asked you not to pick your nose doesn’t mean I want you to pick my nose.”

19. “Please don’t eat your sister with that dinosaur.”

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