Before you were a mom, Valentine’s Day might have meant a nice dinner out or some great sex (or, once you were no longer a newlywed, an amazing nap). Now that you have kids in school, however, it means something much more ominous: Classroom Valentine Exchanges. The first year you’ll actually think that you can just drop by the store and pick up a few box sets of Valentine’s Day cards. No big deal, right? But here’s the thing: Even if you took your kid to the grocery store or the drug store or the dollar store or the craft store weeks before the big day, chances are you’re too late. But that’s the least of what’s wrong with classroom card exchanges. Just check out this list…
1. You need 25 cards. They are only sold in packs of 12, 16, 24, and 36.
2. Your kid has decided on a very specific card, like Pink Hippos and Butterflies, which no one makes anywhere, so she will definitely have a meltdown. In the middle of the store.
3. “Girl’s cards” and “boy’s cards” are a thing. No mater how much you insist it doesn’t matter, your kid will insist it does.
4. It’s a universal law that you’ll have leftover Valentine’s cards all over your house until Easter.
5. Valentines — especially the kind made for school kids — are printed on paper that is made of lint or toilet paper and will rip accordingly.
6. What kid doesn’t love being bitterly disappointed when the included heart erasers look like chewed bubble gum?
7. If you buy a box of cards that comes with lollipops, 95 percent of them will be broken, misshapen, or half out of their wrappers.
8. Any time you let your kid make his own Valentine’s, you will be up until midnight finishing them.
9. Letting your kid fill the cards out unsupervised pretty much guarantees that all of them will say, “Happy Butt Day! Love, Fart.” And yes, the teacher will call you about it.
10. Siblings are guaranteed to fight over the same box of cards, making sure that no one in your family has a Happy Valentine’s Day.
11. For every four cards your kid fills out, one name will be misspelled.
12. The number of cards your child has to sign is equivalent to the number of hours it will take to sign them.
13. Someone in your kid’s class is allergic to envelope glue. And yes, you’ll get a call about that, too.
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