Not everyone is in a rush to get pregnant. Sure, the body is ripe and ready by the time we hit age 20, but who has time for that then, what with all the schooling and working and finding a partner worthy enough for you to actually get around to making those babies with? Now more than ever you’ll find beautiful bumps on moms of all ages—especially the “Advanced Maternal Age” of over 35. What do those women have in common? Knowing that being pregnant over 35 has both its perks and its challenges, but is always a wonderful thing.
1. The first item on your birth plan is to pay to upgrade your hospital birthing room to a solo suite.
2. The good doctors let you know you’re at a slightly higher risk of diabetes, preeclamsia, and people asking if this pregnancy was an accident.
3. The year you had planned on retiring is now the year your kid will start college HA HA HA HA HA. Oh sh*t.
4. It’s really hard to tell the difference between swampcrotch and peeing yourself.
5. In one day you’ll get both acne medication for your pre-teen-looking face and postcards from AARP asking whether you’d like to become a member.
6. You have serious IDGAF about tip-toeing around your needs anymore, so ask for exactly what you want: extra paid time off, more help around the house, and for your annoying step-mom to not even THINK about trying to sneak into the delivery room while you have no drawers on.
7. Wrinkle cream can double as stretch-mark-prevention cream.
8. You don’t worry as much about losing the baby weight as you do losing your hair.
9. Your nieces and nephews will be old enough to babysit once this kid arrives. SWEET.
10. It takes one extra multivitamin a day to have the strength not to b*tch-slap the people who refer to this as a “geriatric” pregnancy.
11. There will be women in your Lamaze class who are young enough to be your kids.
12. No amount of specialty yogurt marketed to your age group by pixie-cut sexagenarians could give you the kind of pep you need to successfully make it through the now caffeine-free 3 p.m. slump.
13. Sweet-faced first-timers you bump into at the baby store will assume you’ve done this before and ask your advice when you’re just as dumbfounded by it all as they are.
14. People will assume it took medical intervention then ask you about it. Yep. Total strangers. Asking about how the semen got to your egg. Because clearly that’s a normal question to ask a grown-a*s woman you just met.
15. The experience of going to the doctor to see if your discomfort is a symptom of perimenopause, only to hear that you’re having a baby.
16. You’re at the age when you know it’s more important to tie down your terrifyingly enormous and sore boobs to keep them comfy than it is to show them off to your honey in a cute new bra.
17. How to delegate all the things and use your pregnancy as an excuse to do so.
18. Everyone will remind you that with age comes an increased risk of multiples and, Are you sure there’s only one in there?
19. Maternity clothes are either made for adorably hip 20-year-olds or people who think hospital scrubs are stylish.
20. The feeling of your cervix being electrocuted by a dropping baby at the same time your cell phone vibrates to remind you of your annual mammogram appointment.
21. Naps. Are. Everything.
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