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A super fun part of being pregnant is the need to pee every 20 minutes or so all night long, giving you plenty of opportunity to lay awake at night worrying about everything. Of course you can read a bajillion pregnancy books to help you better understand what madness is happening to your body and prepare for being the owner and manager of a human being, but the eventual baby ejection process that cannot be avoided isn’t so cut and dry. Decision making + the unexpected = MAJOR worry fodder. Here are some of the many questions you will fretfully ponder in between pee breaks, from the practical to the slightly manic:
1. How will I know I’m in labor?
2. What are my chances of thinking I need to poop and accidentally giving birth in a public toilet and ending up on the news and becoming the subject of a viral meme that never lets me forget that moment?
3. How many copies of my birth plan should I print out to make sure everyone follows it exactly? And how do I get people to stop making fun of me for having a birth plan?
4. Should I deliver my baby without pain medication?
5. Is there any legal loophole allowing me to not be held responsible if I strangle my husband and drop brutal truth-bombs in his face while trying to deliver a baby without pain medication?
6. Should I deliver my baby with pain medication?
7. Will anyone blame me for French-kissing the anesthesiologist out of gratitude if he gets the pain medication dosage just right?
8. If I leak amniotic fluid on my bed and other areas of my home, can it be cleaned or do we need to burn it to the ground and never speak of it again?
9. Does it matter that my lady garden is more of a junk jungle, since I haven’t been able to tend to it in months?
10. How much swearing at my husband is considered “too much” swearing? What if he stops for a sandwich on the way to taking me to the hospital while I’m breathing through contractions and trying not to freak the f*ck out?
11. What are the quickest routes to the hospital during rush hour?
12. I’m not going to deliver in the car, right? BECAUSE I CANNOT LIST THE DANK AND DIRTY LINCOLN TUNNEL ON MY BABY’S BIRTH CERTIFICATE, OKAY?
13. Is there ANY chance the “ring of fire” I keep hearing about isn’t as bad as it sounds?
14. Nobody will accidentally let my father-in-law into the delivery room with a front-row seat to my screaming pink canoe, right?
15. What if I change my mind and don’t want the baby to come out because THIS IS SO SCARY I AM NOT READY TO BE A MOM SO PLEASE MAKE IT STOP?
16. How will I know when to push?
17. What if I fart in front of everyone while I’m pushing?
18. What if I poop in front of everyone while I’m pushing?
19. What if the baby rockets out so fast it falls on the floor and starts life already having fodder for future therapy sessions about my incompetence as a mom?
20. How can I make sure to not end up tore up from the floor up? Are there stretches or exercises for that? Please don’t say sex helps, okay? Because that’d be awful right now.
21. One more time: How exactly will my tiny little baby canon fully recover after shooting out a seven-pound bag of pissed-off shoulders and skull?
More for Pregnant Moms:
- Placenta Pills & More Things to Make with Your Placenta
- The 9 Best Free Pregnancy Apps & Trackers
- How to Buy a Nursing Bra That Fits + 5 Top Picks