No one knew it but this year’s Halloween spooky season was missing one vital ingredient: an epic rant from Candy Karen. But now that the anonymous neighborhood troll has unleashed his or her unhinged opinions on the quality of their neighborhood candy selections for trick or treaters, the world can breathe a sigh of relief followed by some big-time laughs.
Here, take a seat because this is so damn good.
The rant heard ‘round the world was originally posted to a Facebook group for a specific neighborhood. But it got picked up by a comedy Twitter account called Best of Nextdoor where they capture “quality neighborhood drama” (and yes, we’re addicted to it now.)
"Dum Dums, Smarties, and Jolly Ranchers maybe suitable for Ontario, Fontana, and even Montclair… but NOT here in Rancho Cucamonga!"
WE 👏 ARE 👏 AN 👏 AFFLUENT 👏 NEIGHBORHOOD 👏 AND 👏 OUR 👏 HALLOWEEN 👏 CANDY 👏 SHOULD 👏 REFLECT 👏 THAT 👏 pic.twitter.com/qk7WzCxGMB
— Best of Nextdoor (@bestofnextdoor) October 3, 2019
The rant starts off with, “Halloween is officially 4 weeks away, and I was hoping to catch you all before you make your candy selections. Over the last three Halloweens, I’ve noticed candy stock has become more and more diluted with cheap candy. I don’t know if this trend is the result of the higher bills or even the new constructions, but cheap candy has somehow infiltrated our community for Halloween and it has to stop.”
Candy Karen is done with cheap candy. How DARE those rotten neighbors give out that trash!?
The rant goes on:
“Dum Dums, Smarties, and Jolly Ranchers maybe suitable for Ontario, Fontana and even Montclair but not here in Rancho Cucamonga. We are an affluent neighborhood and this status should be reflected in our candy provisions for Halloween.”
Did you hear that? It was the subtle sound of a silent gasp and a pearl necklace being clutched. Just in case you feel confused about what Candy Karen is demanding for sugary loot this year, the rant clarifies in full detail.
“Standard full or KING size candy is the bar (pun intended) we set for our community on Halloween. If you purchase the fun size, you don’t need to return them. Just keep in mind that 4 – 6 of those fin size bars equate to a standard size bar when you doll out that candy to trick or treaters. And please, for God’s sake, leave those Peep candies alone. No one and I mean NO ONE wants those terrible marshmallow tragedies.”
Ok, Candy Karen is not wrong, Peeps really are marshmallow tragedies. But she (or he) was definitely out of line targeting the elderly with her (his) next piece of wrathful advice.
“For the elderly who hand out coins, unless you plan on throwing some quarters into the mix, stop peddling your pennies and step up your game this Halloween. It’s a calculated loss to the trick or treaters after you adjust for inflation and the opportunity cost of what they could have received elsewhere if they had just skipped your house.”
Perhaps the best aspect of this Twitter thread, though, not the rant itself but the hilarious reactions from readers. Like this person who definitely thinks they know who the anonymous author is.
The person writing this is three children in a trenchcoat that has named itself Karen.
— Noted (@DulyNoted808) October 3, 2019
Or this person who started a flame war over Candy Corn.
I would never question someone’s candy preference. It’s a very personal and subjective choice. Except for candy corn. Candy corn is trash and only bad people like it.
— Jesse W. Mosier (@jwmosier) October 3, 2019
And then there is this guy who seems to be an armchair psychoanalyst and has Karen totally figured out.
The MBA-Turned-SAHM phenomenon is well known in wealthy neighborhoods, sort of a full-time Karen who applies the energy of a business executive to minor household and neighborhood matters.
— 🦡 Badger Tamer (@badg_er) October 4, 2019
Listen, Halloween candy is amazing, be it cheap, expensive, and otherwise (looking at you cool glow-in-the-dark vampire’s teeth!) But I digress, you tell us what you think of this hilarious rant gone super viral. Does Candy Karen have a point?