21 Things Only Moms With Minivans Know

You thought you knew the meaning of a sweet ride, but then you started breeding, which necessitated the purchase of a minivan. Sure, you acted all aloof in front of your childless friends, as if it were a hardship to let go of your old, cramped sedan for a daycare on wheels, but we know your secret, girl. WE KNOW. And there ain’t no shame in lovin’ your minivan game. Minivans are carefully crafted with one goal in mind: to make a mom’s life easier. What else can claim that? Nothing. That’s what.


So click that remote to slide open all of those glorious doors for your brood and let your minivan-owning pride shine bright. Here are some of the many things that moms know (and love) about switching to minivan status.

1. Shouting, “INDOOR VOICE,” happens less often when there’s more space between siblings to help minimize arguments over Pokémon card trades and such.

2. There are more than enough cup holders for your kids’ various collections (acorn caps, used Band-Aids, stickers, etc.) and their actual drinks.

3. It seats, like, a bajillion kids and their friends for carpooling with ease.

4. Then it origamis to hideaway seats in the blink of an eye for fitting all the grocery bags of snacks you’ll need to feed that loud, sticky army once they get out of school.

5. The DVD entertainment system prevents us moms from having to hear, “Are we there yet?” until our ears bleed.

6. Pretending the liftgate opens via ‘The Force’ solidifies your coolness quotient to every kid under the age of 6.

7. Kids are Sherlock Holmes clones in the making, so it is crazy hard to find a foolproof hiding spot for their birthday gifts in your home. Thankfully, there’s secret hidden in-floor storage in your van that’s perfect just for this occasion!

8. There’s plenty of cargo space for your “just in case” bag, which includes — but is not limited to — a full change of clothes for each kid, a travel stroller, camp chairs for soccer games, one umbrella per family member, a travel potty, snacks, waters, hand wipes, hand sanitizer, spare phone chargers, blankets for nighttime soccer games, a back-up lovey or two, kind-of-scratched DVDs, a spare soccer ball, a spare baseball bat, a spare basketball, spare dance shoes, spare ice skates, a spare trumpet, spare ornithology binoculars, spare diapers, a first aid kit with slings in both kid and adult sizes, and some emergency car stuff like jumper cables and flares. Oh, and there’s also room for your other bags, too.

9. Kids love sitting in the way-back, meaning you’re, like, 17 miles away from each other during your ride. Which is almost like riding in alone in peace. Ahhh…

10. The legroom and headroom in a minivan is a tall mom’s fantasy come true.

11. They aren’t just cars, they’re like apartments on wheels. Who knew you’d one day have a shiny little palace of your very own?

12. You can comfortably breastfeed your baby, change the baby, then strap the baby into the car seat for a nap so you can have a post-breastfeeding snack. Or two. While reading a book with your feet up.

13. You can nap in them, too!

14. So much family time is spent at our kids’ outdoor practices and games—no matter what the weather holds. Not that we’re whining about that. (Actually, yes, we’re totally whining about that.) Get comfy while staying dry and warm by flipping down the tailgate seating and curling up in a blanket as you cheer them on!

15. You’re more geared up than an agent of S.H.I.E.L.D. with over 55 safety features of the Dodge Grand Caravan.

16. You might not have the space in your house for your own home office or the patience to work in a loud coffee shop, so you can just spread out in your minivan, plug in your laptop, and get to work in there. Voila! An office space of your own!

17. No more needing to shout, “I SAID BE CAREFUL OPENING THE DOOR” to every single kid every single time they get in or out of the vehicle every day always, which they promptly ignore and cause the dreaded door dings for those around you. Dual sliding doors = problem solved!

18. Everyone has that one kid you can never quite trust to not at least try to jump out of a moving car just once: child locks won’t let that happen. I pinky swear.

19. Outlets e.v.e.r.y.w.h.e.r.e. for all your tech neeeeeeeeds. [swoon] Seriously, whoever thought of this deserves a mouth-kiss.

20. All of your friends fit in there, too. Helloooooo, girls’ night out!

21. Oh, they called you a “soccer mom,” thinking it was an insult to you and your giant vehicle… well, the joke is on them: Your minivan is efficient as heck and you look dayum fine in it, my friend. Dayum. Fine.