21 Things Every Worrywart Mom Will Worry About Today

Once you have a few years under your belt as a mom, the constant barrage of new-mom worries usually fades a little. If it didn’t, all of our heads would eventually get so full of question marks that they’d explode, and there’d be no one to remember to take the damn recycling out every other Tuesday morning. That being said, it’s not like we never worry at all anymore. They still slip through on a regular basis, but now lean more towards being wildly specific concerns you never thought you’d fret over. Here are common worries a typical mother might have on any given day:


1. Is it medically possible for a LEGO get permanently embedded in my foot?

2. Do all kids put their genitals on the kitchen table, or are mine just particularly weird?

3. Are my kids drinking enough water? Should they be peeing as often as they do?

4. Will anyone notice that the muffins I brought for the school bake sale are store-bought?

5. Can anyone tell that I’ve been wearing this pair of jeans for five weeks straight?

6. OMG do I have my mom’s butt? Oh no oh no oh no, am I growing my dad’s ears?

7. Do my kids have enough friends? Why does my daughter keep texting “TTL” to her friends? Does it mean something sexual or drug-related? Do my kids have too many friends?

8. Why are my kids growing up so fast? What will I do when they leave to go have their own families? WHAT WILL I DO IF THEY DON’T EVER LEAVE TO GO HAVE THEIR OWN FAMILIES?

9. Does this patch of thick gray hair I just discovered on my chin mean I’m dying of some undiagnosed rare disease, or that I didn’t notice myself getting really old really fast?

10. Are my kids doomed to failure if I don’t learn the new math? Because there is NO FRICKIN’ WAY I am going to try to learn math all over again!

11. Is my period late? WHAT DOES IT MEAN IF IT IS?

12. Is there any chance that ketchup can, in fact, be considered a vegetable, if it’s the only one my kids will eat?

13. Can my kids tell I hate life completely when I play board games with them, or am I believably pretending to enjoy this?

14. Are my kids’ brains getting irreparably damaged by too much screen time?

15. If I take away screen time, what in the everloving double-hockey-sticks am I going to do to keep them from being so shouty and messy?

16. Why are the kids so quiet? What are they breaking? Is it each other, or something of mine that I’ll be really mad about?

17. How many days in a row of Breakfast for Dinner is too many?

18. Are my kids eating enough? How are they even alive with a diet that only consists of three items?

19. Am I scarring my kids just the normal amount that all moms do, or more than is socially acceptable?

20. Will my kids become worrywarts if they see me worrying that they might be worried?

21. Have I gone completely insane?

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Graphic: Kim Bongiorno