How I Finally Took Charge of My Sex Life (After Years of Having Sex)

It took having two kids and being married for a decade, but I finally took charge of my sex life. It didn’t happen overnight, but here’s what I’ve did to reclaim it.

1. I got a vibrator. Self explanatory, right? But, here’s the thing: There are sooo many different kinds of vibrators. I went into a store. I asked the sales clerk questions. I did research. I decided I wanted something demure, easy to hide away from pokey little toddlers, and feminine. My vibrator is hot pink, not very big, and has three speeds. What’s funny is the first time I used it, I was like, “Oh yeah. That makes perfect sense. These things rock.” And then I wondered why I had for years eschewed the idea of using one. Yep, it look me years of sexual activity and then having my two kids to finally feel like I could go there. But when I did, it was awesome.

2. I got educated (again). Do you feel like you forgot everything about biology and sex ed? We were mostly taught abstinence at my school growing up, so I never learned about the ins and outs of the female pleasure center. After my second kid, I read up. I got sex smart. I learned more about different positions (reverse cowgirl is a personal favorite now). I read articles like this and this one — and finally felt fine with the idea of getting creative to hit my g spot (this is where the vibrator comes into play!). Finally, I asked my friends what their sex lives were like and got insight. One friend swore by living room couch sex when her kids wouldn’t stop co-sleeping. Another friend said she gets creative in the shower. It helped to know I wasn’t alone!

3.  I learned to ask for what I want.  This means that I finally accepted who I am in the bedroom. As much as I want to think I’m a sex kitten all the time, I’m sort of a prude who still likes being swept off her feet, kissed all over, and being told how much she’s adored. Luckily, most of the time, my husband is willing to go there. And, here’s the great part. I can be two women at once. When there are those times when I just want a quickie, I tell my man and he’s willing to oblige. Actually, let’s be honest, I think it’s his favorite kind. So I got real with myself, and my spouse, and I learned to say when and how I wanted things.

4. I got OK with scheduling sex. We do it once a week for sure and more if we can swing it. It’s actually on the books. I put an “X” on my weekly calendar in my iPhone to remind me of the deed. Usually it’s on a weekend night, but there are the rare cases during the week when we get the kids to bed early and we aren’t still working on our computers and can fit in a fun quickie. I learned that, like me, my husband has his own intimacy needs. If we haven’t done it for a week or more, we both get weirded out by the dry spell. And, let’s get real: If my man can have sex more frequently he’s just a nicer, less stressed person to be around. Scheduling sex does not have to sabotage the thrill. On the contrary, it means I’m taking charge of my sexual well being and making it a priority.

5. I learned not to only look at my body as a mom bod. So yeah I have the battle scars all the ladies talk about from childbirth: My vagina stretched out until it lost its original, tight shape. My boobs got wrinkly from breastfeeding. I have new veins in my legs that popped up over the course of two pregnancies. My stomach is softer. But no, god no, I will not say I’m grateful for my war wounds and they make me feel sexy. Hell no! That’s bull. I’m grateful that I still care enough for my body to pleasure it and that my husband loves to see me happy and in ecstasy. I’m grateful I’m strong and fit and can take control of my body. Most of all I’m grateful that, somehow in the moment, I can dissect me as the sexual being from me the mommy. And, here’s a win-win: The more sex we have the more confident and attractive I feel.

6. Finally, I got creative. It doesn’t have to be actual intercourse to count. It doesn’t have to be in a bed. There are other ways to get off. There are mornings when the kids aren’t up yet or nights when they’ve just gotten to sleep and we have make out sessions on our couch or we pleasure each other in the shower. And, on occasion — usually when he’s out of town and definitely when I know he’s not checking his phone in a meeting — I’ll send him a scintillating pic with a fun caption.  Whatever works, right?