What Mom REALLY Wants for Christmas

ChristmasAbout this time of year, Dad is making plans to buy Mom the perfect gift “from” the kids. He carefully took note of that sweater she had her eye on and made sure to save the magazine tear sheet of those shoes she’d die to have.

But despite Dad’s best efforts, he won’t get Mom what she really wants for Christmas. That’s because what most Moms want can’t be bought.

If you’re like me you can buy your own sweater and shoes, but you can’t buy these gifts from the hubs and the kids:

1) First Time Listening. I’d sell every shoe in my closet just to have my kids listen the first time I ask something. We’d have a lot more time to do fun stuff and I wouldn’t have to kick myself every time I say, “This is the last time I’m going to ask,” right before I ask again.

2) Sleeping-In That Involves Sleeping. The hubs let’s me sleep-in all the time. He also let’s the kids poke me eye while repeating this phrase, “Are you up now? Are you up now? Are you up now?” So how ‘bout I get to sleep in and you let me?

3) Let Me Finish Dinner. I know food tastes better when it comes from our plate. That’s why we put it there. So let me eat my dinner. I’m starving!

4) Let Me Pee Without An Audience. Olympians perform before less of an audience than a Mom does when she’s pee’ing. So when that door is closed, leave it closed.

5) Go 24-hours Without Saying, “What’s For Dinner?” How ’bout I tell you what’s for dinner when I know what’s for dinner, which is about 5 minutes before I start cooking it. Then, you won’t have to keep asking.

6) Inside Voices. Remember those?

7) Stop Farting. Farts are funny. I’m the first to agree. Farts from your kids are funny the first 300 times. 301? Not as funny. Maybe you can start burping or sneezing as your next “super funny” repetitive-bodily trick? Farting seems so last year.

8) Leave My Crap Alone. I have so little space of my own now that you’ve turned my closest into your own shopping expedition and think my bed is your bed. See that little piece of wood in the corner? Some call it a desk. Would you mind leaving the piles and papers alone? They’re mine and they’re all I have.

9) No, You Do It! I know it’s so much fun to have me do everything for you even though you haven’t been an infant for years. But how about you put on your own pants, tie your own shoes and clear your own plate? And don’t bother wrapping this gift or putting a bow on it, especially because you’d ask me to do that for you.

10) Tell Me I Look Thin. Lie if you have to. It’s a gift, after all.

Now, about those shoes and that sweater.