My twenties were full of DRAMA. Can you relate? My thirties, on the other hand, are delightfully drama-free (at least in comparison to my 20-something days). For that reason, and all of these, I am absolutely loving my third decade…
1. Going out doesn’t mean clubbing till 3 a.m. with bottle service. You’re eating a beautiful kid-free meal and drinking just enough wine that you WON’T have a hangover when the kids wake you up at 6 am.
2. You no longer live in a shoebox. That means your bed, fridge, and shower are not in the same room anymore! Whether you’re in a spicy apt, multi-floor townhouse, or home with a sprawling yard—there is ROOM. You know, room to hide from your crazy kids!
3. You have a career. A real job where you are respected. Like, people are getting you coffee. And you have awesome kiddo-made art tacked up in your office. OFFICE—not cubicle.
4. Sex is amazing. It’s just f*cking awesome. And you no longer need to refer to Cosmo when it comes to how to make him come, how to make yourself come—or how to do the flying, backwards unicorn position.
5. You’re a mom. And making bank on your blog.
6. You are so in love with your kid(s). You’re also loved unconditionally by your children.
7. Date night isn’t an ordeal. No more shopping for the perfect outfit, sexy undies, slipping a condom in your clutch, disco-napping, and so on. These days date night means getting the hell away from your crazy brood—even if it means dinner at a chain restaurant and shopping at Target.
8. You can watch and love Frozen and not feel creepy. You’re watching it with your kids. Girl, LET IT GO!
9. Your parents are no longer annoying. They are babysitters. FREE babysitters.
10.You gave birth. Anything else you do is fine and dandy, but you’ve already earned your tiger stripes. You are a warrior. Relax.
11. Your husband wants surprise shower sex and quickie blow jobs. This is HOT. And you know, quick … so you can get on with everything else you have to do.
12. An afternoon at the park is just as relaxing as an afternoon of shopping in SoHo. Who am I kidding? It’s better. There’s no fighting over sample sale shoes.
13. You now shop at store where you can buy everything — clothes, tampons, chicken, soda, a TV, milk, toys and diapers… and it’s f*cking AWESOME.
14. You are Queen Bee. You tell your kids they are in timeout and guess what—they are!
15. Going to bed at 8 p.m. isn’t loser-ish. It’s AWESOME.
16. Waking up with the birds isn’t exactly the worst. You get a jump on your day and well, coffee.
17. You think outside the bed. There’s always a kid sleeping with you, so you’ve moved on to shower sex, car sex in the driveway…You always find a way.
18. IKEA isn’t just a lifestyle store. It’s a playground and food court. Hello, rainy Saturday where everyone wins and you just scored a lamp and chic pot holders.
19. Two words: Mother’s Helper. You pay your 12-year-old neighbor $2 an hour to hang out with your kids so you can let your guard down. Or watch a talk show while you have an afternoon tea. WHEEEEEEEE!
20. A pedicure is like a trip to the Bahamas. Ahhhh …Take it in and pick out a fun color like watermelon splash.
21. If you’re a single parent, there’s less BS when it comes to dating. You have kids and no time to deal with boys, so you are more tuned into finding a real man.
22. You’re into your health because you have kids and need to be so strong and healthy for them. You hit the gym, get a yearly physical … and pile on the eye cream.
23. You wear yoga clothes. Even when you’re not going to yoga. Wait, did you ever actually go to yoga?
24. Your kids are in grade school and being taught the “Common Core” way. Love it or hate … you’re getting a refresher as you navigate grade school addition and division.
25. You have a man. Not a frat boy.
26. Love is no longer about a man or pleasing a man. Sure, that counts, but love is also about your babies and that love is constant and unconditional. You’ll never be alone again. Phew!
27. You get to get eat gummy snacks, mac ‘n cheese, and nuggets every now and then. It’s glorious and yummy in a yucky but satisfying way!
28. Just like in Frozen, you can let it go, let it go. You’ll find that BS is BS and you know what is important!
29. Dance parties are the new cardio. Work it girl!!
30. Hey, you’re not 40. Yet.
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