14 Things I’ll Do When I Visit My Kids’ Homes Someday

That’s okay, kids, just leave those half-empty cups of juice and water right there on the coffee table. And your dresser. And in the basement. And do I spy one one smack in the middle of the backyard?

I’m not going to bug you about piles of wet towels or half eaten bags of chips that are left to go stale. I’m not concerned about the times you’ll write on the walls, track mud into the living room, or leave the fridge door open.

Eat with your elbows on the table and your mouths open.

Pick your nose when grandma comes to visit.

Gum in the carpet? That’s my jam.

Because someday you will own your own home or have an apartment with a whooping security deposit. When you do, watch out. I’m coming to stay, and here’s what I’m planning to do…call it payback time!

1. Refuse to hang up things. I see you have a coat closet adequately stocked with hangers. That’s why I’ll be leaving my jacket tossed over a kitchen chair. Also my shoes in the bathroom and my socks in the middle of the living room.

2. Bug you for snacks. I’m staying for the weekend and it’s only 5:32 p.m. on Friday. Did you say dinner is in an hour? That gives me 60 minutes to ask you for snacks.

3. Eat all your food.  Better yet! I see you bought groceries, some of which are essential to the meal you’re planning. Hope you have a back up, because I’m going to eat these things while standing in front of the open fridge. Don’t worry, I’ll leave the empty container right here in the veggie drawer.

4. Use terrible table manners. Great idea, inviting your boss/future in-laws over for dinner while I’m here. It’s my extreme pleasure to eat my mashed potatoes with my fingers while we discuss your potential promotion/wedding plans.

5. Beg to be entertained. I’m bored. No, I don’t want to do that. I don’t want to do that, either. Is there something really inconvenient or incompatible with the weather and season that we can go do? Swimming in February? Skiing in June? Perfect, that’s what I want to do.

6. Pee the bed. In fact, I would like a glass of water before bed. A large one. Because I plan to urinate in my PJs. Not only will I not tell you about my bed wetting, I will also bunch up the sheets and hide them in the closet.

7. Whine about being treated unfairly. When I come to visit with your dad, if he gets pudding, I want the exact same amount, down to the gram. Got a food scale? Bust it out. And when you put sprinkles on it he and I should have the exact same number and colors of sprinkles—if you think he’s getting more red sprinkles than I am, you’ve got another think coming.

8. Spend your money on crap. When I visit, you should plan a little backyard bonfire for your money because I plan to find hundreds of ways to waste it, starting with a trip to the dollar store.

9. Waste all of your stuff. I need tape. To be clear, I need all of your tape. Duct tape, Scotch tape, Washi tape, masking tape, packing tape, electrical tape. To be more clear, I don’t actually need it for anything, I just want to use about an inch of it for attaching something to something else, and the rest I will mash into a ball so that you can’t possibly use it for anything ever.

10. Change my mind about everything. Did I say please have oatmeal for me when I visit because I’m totally into oatmeal right now? Actually, now that I see this oatmeal in my bowl I’ve decided I hate it. I want eggs.

11. Ruin your house. It’s not that I thought you’d want me to do my nails on the floor of the guest bedroom, leaving drops of nail polish and spilled acetone on the wood floors, it just that you never told me not to.

12. Break your things, your expensive, expensive things. That’s a nice TV. Sorry I was playing catch in the family room with rocks and now it’s broken.

13. Clog your toilets. The upstairs bathroom is clogged. Also the downstairs one. And the master bathroom. Any bathrooms you’re hiding away? I have an entire roll of toilet paper and I want to see what happens if I flush it all at once.

14. Ask for things at the last possible minute. Forgot to mention, I have a big project due at work on Monday. Sure, it’s 11:58 p.m. on Sunday, but could we maybe pop over to an all-night office supply store for glue sticks, a tri-fold presentation board, index cards, colored paper, and glitter? I don’t actually need the glitter for the work project, but I didn’t want to leave without sprinkling it on your couches.

Parenting is about raising adults, they say. Adults that have their own stuff you can finally ruin. That’s right kids, we never did forgive you for the grape juice on the carpet.

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