Secrets of the Mommy Underground

If you’ve been getting your pregnancy 411 from the average parenting magazine, you will probably think

you are ready to have a baby if you:

  • Have a nursery set up
  • Have purchased or received everything on your baby registry list down to the butt wipe warmer,
  • the video surveillance baby monitor and the penis protector
  • Have a couple of good, sturdy nursing bras and some comfy yoga pants

Unfortunately, you are still missing out on a few pieces of critical information.

1. Your baby doesn’t give two tidlywinks about whether the walls in his nursery are lemon yellow

or tangerine orange. And if you are me, your baby will end up sleeping in your bedroom until

he’s six years old anyway. So do yourself a favor, shove the crib in the corner of your bedroom

and make yourself a nice Mom Cave instead. Or a swanky pimped-out laundry room with a large

screen TV, comfy chairs, a chocolate fondue machine (for extra energy) and lots of shelving.

Trust me. You’ll appreciate it a few months from now when you are face-to-face with the 250

loads of laundry you will now be doing each day for the next 18 years.

2. Fifty percent of the crap that you think you need before you have a baby is useless. I know. I

bought all of it. And then some. For example, while in theory the penis protector is a nice idea

(because who wants to get squirted in the face while changing a baby?), in reality there is really

nothing you can do to stop the onslaught of biohazard you are going to be exposed to over

the next decade or so. If you really want to get something to protect yourself, I recommend an

industrial strength biohazard suit with matching gas mask. (They make great baby shower gifts,


3. Take note. If you plan to nurse, wait until after the baby is born to buy your nursing bras.

Though you may already feel like you resemble Dolly Parton thanks to pregnancy hormones,

what you don’t realize is that your hooters may in fact quadruple in size the moment the baby

was born. Take it from me. Wait until after the baby is born to get yourself fitted for a nursing

bra. Otherwise you will spend $50 on a bra that is more likely to fit a Polly Pocket than you.

4. On the other hand, the purchase of yoga pants is a wise investment. While it is true that some

moms (think Kourtney Kardashian and Gwyneth Paltrow) manage to make it through the

newborn stage still wearing makeup, flirty tunics and skinny jeans, the rest of us are happy if we

make it out of our pjs most days.

5. No amount of physical preparation for your baby’s arrival is going to prepare you for the

psychological upheaval you will experience post-mommyhood. Becoming a mother changes you

so completely that certain things that once seemed so important become completely irrelevant

(for example…going out dancing all night long, getting a manicure, eating in nice restaurants,

eating in restaurants at all, eating while sitting down, daily showers, deodorant, ironing one’s

clothes, wearing high heels, wearing make-up, wearing anything but stained sweat pants…the

list goes on.) Never in my wildest dreams did I expect I would find myself several years into motherhood wearing mismatched house slippers and a T-shirt covered in peanut butter,

shouting loudly through the grocery store, “Please do not wipe your nose on that lady’s purse”

and “The pineapple display is not your personal jungle gym” and “Stop strangling your brother

with that jump rope.” On the other hand, neither did I expect this little drooling ball of giggles

and biohazard to revolutionize my life so much. Because even if no longer have the energy to

scrape the peanut butter and poop off myself most nights before I fall into bed, I never imagined

that cuddling up to a blanket stealing, kidney-kicking, , bed-hogging toddler would feel this


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