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37 Things That Get in the Way of Having Sex

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Ugh. It’s happened. The husband and I have turned into a married people cliché with sex having to be scheduled like it’s a doctor’s visit. With two kids and two careers there’s little time, or energy, left in the day; it’s just the way it’s got to be. If you were to ask my husband about our sex life (and please don’t!), he’d tell you I’m not interested. Ask me and I’ll tell you I am absolutely interested, I just can’t seem to find the time. That’s because in addition to working, I’m the CEO of the household. My job is to keep everyone else’s life moving forward. That means nobody gets fed, clothed, or where they need to go without me making it happen.

Sound familiar? Thought so. Here are 37 things that can happen to me (and probably you, too) on any given day — and keep me from doing the deed.

1. The kid wake up early. We could sneak in a quickie before the kids get up, but they get up so darned early that’s impossible!

2. I have to feed everyone. 2 breakfasts. 2 lunch boxes. 2 snacks. None of which are for me.

3. Everybody needs to get to school on time. 2 kids. 2 schools. One driver. Me.

4. There’s no food in the house. Guess I’ll stop at the grocery store, which is actually three grocery stores by the time I pick up everything on everyone’s food wish list.

5. I’m filthy. I’ve got 10 minutes to shower and get dressed. I can do it!

6. The house is a mess. If I leave it, there’ll just be a bigger mess later.

7. I have three hours to do eight hours of work. Go! I want to get it all done so I don’t have to work tonight when the hubs is home.

8. School called; my son isn’t feeling well. There goes my three hours of work time. On my way.

9. We have to go see the pediatrician. Ear infection? Where did that come from?

10. We have to go to the pharmacy for antibiotics. The wait seems like it lasts forever!

11. It’s almost time to pick up my daughter. How can it be time to pick her up? I feel like I just dropped her off.

12. We need birthday presents for the weekend. I’ll just order online and pay for the expedited shipping.

13. And wrapping paper… Ugh. I forgot to order the birthday gifts with wrapping. I guess I’ll be stopping at the card store to pick some up.

14. What? My son is hungry again? I thought ear infections stole your appetite.

15. The hubs calls and asks for a favor. He wants to know if I have time to pick up his dry cleaning. And says he’ll be home early. That means he’s pre-scheduling sex. I’ll try.

16. Time to pick up the preschooler. Yay, we’re only 15 minutes late!

17. Everyone is buckled in when my daughter remembers she left her favorite cup at school. She insists we go back in to retrieve it. There goes another 15 minutes.

18. Now on the road, my daughter spills the water from her favorite cup all over herself. I have to pull over. She then spills the rest on me. I’ve never felt less sexy. At least it wasn’t puke…

19. Nap time. Normally, I’d catch up on work or take a nap myself, but since the big one is home he wants some TLC.

20. My son wants me to read to him. I tried to bribe him with some TV so I can get a little down time, but he’s not having it.

21. My daughter doesn’t want to nap. She always naps. Not today. She says her ear hurts. Oh no.

22. We’re back at the pediatrician’s office. Turns out she’s got an ear infection, too.

23. We’re pulling into our driveway when my daughter pukes in the car. Poor her. Poor me. This car looks and smells like a science experiment. Field trip to the car wash!

24. My son gets nauseated and he pukes, too.  Right after we get our car washed.

25. I might be next. Because there’s no question that I’ll get whatever the kids have…at some point.

26. Time to hose down the kids and the car. No time to go back to the car wash so I’ll scrub it myself and throw their clothes in the wash at the same time.

27. The hubs calls; he’s running late. He probably won’t make it by the kids’ bedtime. Shoot, I was hoping to squeeze in some work time while he put the kids to bed.

28. The kids are fighting. No time for me to clean me up after cleaning everyone else up. I’m busy playing referee.

29. Time to prepare dinner. What to make? Chicken, natch. I should have just ordered in.

30. Chore time. The kids eat dinner. I fold laundry and try to tidy up the mess of the day. Their dinner seems to create a bigger mess. It’s endless.

31. Bath time. Why do they always have to get me soaked?

32. Bed time x2. Each kid wants separate bedtimes in their room. That’s at least 45 minutes. And I still have all my work from the morning that I never got done.

33. The kids are finally asleep…but there’s one thing I forgot. I have to bring a fruit salad to preschool in the morning. If my daughter goes.

34. I forgot to order books for the big one’s school book club. What did we ever do without the Internet?

35. I have 82 emails I haven’t answeredI read them. I just never answered. Oops.

36. It’s my mom’s birthday. Phew, I can still call.

37. The hubs is home. He’s had a great day and wants to tell me about it. I feel guilty telling him I’ve got hours of work waiting for me, but I’ve got deadlines and am already days late on a few things.

It’s 11:30 p.m. I’m finally done with my day. Too bad the hubs passed out with the remote control in his hand hours ago. Ugh. I was hoping we’d get some time together.

I know I’ll try again tomorrow and have the best of intentions when I start my day. But no matter how organized I am as a mom, it doesn’t mean everyone else cooperates. Kids are unpredictable and my time isn’t always my own. In fact, it rarely is. So as much I’d love make out with the husband every night, there’s birthday presents to order and school lunches to make.

Now, if someone were to help me with my to-do list I’m sure it would be shorter and I’d have more time for a lot more things, like sex. Anyone? Husband? Anyone?

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Photo: Getty