I don’t know if you’ve heard, but apparently in Montana, wearing yoga pants could be a crime. And not just a fashion crime, but like, a real crime. If one state representative had his way, I’d get thrown right in the slammer. And if I wore yoga pants, say, three days in a row, I’d get five years in prison. Seriously. See, this Republican rep in the state, David Moore, proposed a House Bill this week that would ban “any device, costume, or covering that gives the appearance of or simulates the genitals, pubic hair, anus region, or pubic hair region.” And apparently, he feels very strongly that both tight beige clothing and yoga pants should “be illegal in public.” Thankfully, the bill was tabled cause all the other peeps in the House Judiciary Committee were like, “Wha?!”
Really, a ban on yoga pants? Really? I don’t know about you, but I live in my yoga pants. Like all day, every day, can’t stand to be separated from them when they’re in the wash. If they were outlawed, well, I’d probably just join a nudist colony because I would literally have nothing to wear. Here, just a few of the reasons why I can’t live without them…
1. Yoga pants are the SAHM uniform. As a work-from-home Mom, I don’t need to get all decked out to go to an office. No, my office is my bedroom and my meetings take place in the aisles of Trader Joe’s. Forget workday to happy hour — I need an ensemble that can take me from my bed to the grocery store. I need an ensemble that can stand up to the wear-and-tear of twin boys doing flips off of my legs and the mystery stains that appear out of nowhere. Yoga pants are like a one-size-fits-all, no-brainer style option for the SAHM who just doesn’t have the time, energy, or purpose to stress over what she’s wearing.
2. They hide my lumps and bumps. I’m not exactly sure what magical threads they use to weave yoga pants, but they’re surprisingly flattering. Not only are they forgiving of those few extra pounds, but they manage to conceal all those mushy parts, almost like comfy Spanx. And in certain brands, it looks like I’ve got buns of steel! Like, I sometimes have to do that over-the-shoulder peek to check out my mirage of a toned bum. They’re truly a modern miracle for the squooshy Mom.
3. They’re a step-up from sweatpants. Look, I’ll be honest: Since having kids, I’ve sort of wished I could just wear sweatpants 24/7. Like, I’m anxiously waiting for those Juicy velour sweatsuits to make a comeback. But I know that I just can’t, not only because I have some self-respect, but also because my husband might divorce me. At least with yoga pants, it looks like I’ve tried just a little. They say, “Yes, I’ve given up, but only like 85 percent given up.” They say, “I don’t know, maybe I did just come from doing yoga.” They say, “Hey, at least I’m not wearing my pajamas because we came this close to that happening.” They’re a little form-fitting and usually black, which gives me sort of that suburban chic vibe. Effortless style, I believe they call it, with an emphasis on the effortless part.
So, anyway, thank god I don’t live in Montana. And good luck with that there bill there. I’m telling you right now, if you do manage to ban yoga pants, you’ll have a full-blown, Mom rage mutiny on your hands.