I’ve been told I’m a pretty motivated person. I never procrastinated doing my work in high school or college. I like to tackle things when they arise otherwise I stress a little too much if I have something looming.
I also think having three kids in three years and a husband (now my ex-husband) who worked long hours to support us kept me on my toes. The restful moments are few and far between so instead of trying to rest, I try and get something knocked off my to-do list. It’s just the way I am wired. I like to be busy and productive. It’s always been hard for me to sit still.
My whole life, I’ve thrived under pressure. I was there to help my sister throw together a fantastic wedding on a limited budget in a few months. When my ex-husband and I decided to separate and I was faced with the fact I’d have to start working again while trying to keep my three kids happy and their lives as normal as possible, I scared out of my mind, but was up for it.
I’m not saying I didn’t have my moments– I certainly did and still do three years later– but my point is I was able to move through it. I was able to function. I could plow through a difficult day and go to bed and have fresh eyes the next morning. I felt like I was handling it.
Four weeks ago when they shut down my kids’ school I thought we could get through a few weeks of my babies being home and we’d treat it like a long school break. Then, the very next day I ran to get a Diet Coke and bring my kids home a sundae to brighten the cold, rainy day and saw all the restaurant dining rooms were closed. I parked and sat in my car looking around at all the people rushing to the grocery store across the street. They were running, wearing masks, and I’d never seen the parking lot that full on a late Tuesday morning.
I started to sob. I looked at my Diet Coke and the melting sundaes on the seat next to me and felt a wave of hopelessness rush over me like I’d never felt before.
We all have had our moments through this pandemic, I don’t care who you are, if you have kids, or if you are still able to work. This is scary, unknown, and we don’t know how to handle it because we’ve never been through something like this before.
My body has been heavy ever since that day. I can barely get the daily minimum done. I see that my kids are doing their homework and I’m doing the best I can working as hard as my body and mind will allow but that’s it.
I’m not cleaning out my pantry, or closet. I can’t think about spring cleaning right now. I have no desire to do anything extra outside of taking care of me and my kids as we face the coming weeks alone in our home.
Everyone handles situations in different ways. There are a lot of people who are using this time to go the extra mile, be productive and do all the things. I think that’s wonderful but I am not one of them, nor do I care to be.
The fact I feel so paralyzed right now and my kids tell me I ask them the same questions about 5 times a day is all the proof I need to listen to myself and only do what I’m capable of each day which isn’t much.
Right now, I’m getting up each morning and only accomplishing the things I absolutely have to and I refuse to make myself feel guilty about that. I need to save my energy and focus for the necessities right now. The pantry or learning a new language can wait until I have the reserves for them. And if I never do, so be it.
The only thing I’m concerned about is our lives get back to normal as soon as possible and really, the face my closet is organized or not will have no bearing on that.