Can We Please Calm Down With All The Different Food Choices?

I get this craving for Oreos every once in a while. They were a childhood treat and often times my mom would get them when we’d head out for the beach and eat the entire bag in one afternoon– it was a delight.


So the other day, I took my kids to Target as I was trying to relive the magical memory I had as a child: we’d get the cookies, take them to the beach, and my kids would think it was just as special as I used to.

Only that’s not what happened. Getting plain Oreos is not special, but you know what is? When your daughter and son are fighting over the fact one of them wants thin Oreos, the other one wants mint, and your oldest is telling them they are babies and they shouldn’t care which kind of Oreos they get.

That is, until he spotted the peanut butter Oreos and declared that’s what we would be getting. Then my daughter started gagging at the thought; she hates peanut butter and my youngest reminded me he needed the thin ones, Otherwise, he’d probably feel sick because the other kinds have too much frosting.

Is he even my child? I thought as I told them we would be getting regular Oreos or no Oreos at all and they would enjoy them because this was a treat, dammit.

Only after standing there for a half hour searching all over the damn place about to lose my shit, I realized there were no regular Oreos. There was everything from fruit flavored to red velvet Oreos but no regular.

We left without Oreos. Partly because my kids were fighting, but mostly because they didn’t have what I wanted and I was visibly shaken by all the choices in front of me.

Then, as we were walking by the Doritos, I noticed the same thing. I miss the days when Doritos came in nacho cheese flavor, because now you have to be very careful. All the other flavors will set your stomach (and ass) on fire. I remember the excitement when Cool Ranch Doritos came out in the ’80s. They should have stopped there.

I like having a few choices, but these days it’s almost impossible to walk into the grocery store and find your standby (which is usually the original) amongst all the new inventions.

This one time, my kids and I ran into the Dollar Store to buy candy to smuggle into the movie theater. My child grabbed sour Mike and Ikes instead of the original. That didn’t go over well at all.

And M&Ms now have centers filled with caramel, pretzel, crispy shit, or mint.

I can tell my three kids over and over they all have to come to an agreement and choose one kind of candy, cookie, or drink, but it’s almost impossible for them.

They are kids and there are so many choices dangling on the shelves, it’s hard for me to make a decision and I’m the mom. Sometimes they can smell my stress and anxiety when I’m trying to make a decision and pick something for all of us because they can’t come to an agreement and I keep getting side-tracked wondering if we should give in and try all the flavors.

Maybe I’m showing my age, but I miss the days of fewer choices. And to make matters worse, it seems like as soon as you settle on a new flavor, and claim it as your favorite (usually because you can’t find your old favorite amongst the chaos), it gets discontinued as soon as you fall in love.

This woman just wants regular Oreos, the original Doritos, and less than 10 flavors of Coca-Cola. But apparently we are only getting started, the flavors just keep coming and coming.