What Moms Really Want for Christmas (Seriously)

Christmastime is full of magic, no? And who exactly makes that magic happen? Moms.

Not Santa. SANTA ISN’T EVEN REAL. There are no elves. We are the ones doing that sh*t, and sometimes also dads, but I’m not talking about them right now. Moms work hard all year long, stepping it up to velocity force for the holidays, to make sure our families are well-cared for. So why do we get the short end of the stick when it’s time to open presents?


I don’t think my family knows what to give me for Christmas. And while I’ll be perfectly happy with the handmade creations my kids did in art class, and the thoughtfully-selected, but not-quite-right items from my husband (LOVE YOU, HONEY!), there will still be a part of me that longs for someone to really nail it. This year, there are no excuses: I took the guesswork out of it by making my own Christmas list. I walked over to the refrigerator where the children have attached their lists for Santa, and I covered them up with my own.

The final step was to silently point to it every time they are near me. I think they got the hint. Mothers typically get hand lotions, kitchen appliances, or jewelry, which are all perfectly acceptable, boring, and forgettable gifts. Don’t you want to wow us, family?! Of course you do! It’s time to step up your game by giving us one of these things…


Christmas List 5


1. Gift certificate to our favorite hair salon

I feel guilty every time I need a highlight or a trim. I feel guilty for taking two hours out of my day to spend on vanity. I feel guilty for spending a lot of money on myself. I feel guilty because if the babysitter calls with a problem, there’s literally nothing I can do with foils in my hair. In summary, this is the perfect gift. When you give a woman a gift certificate to get her hair done, you are granting her permission to enjoy herself sans guilt.


Christmas List 4


2. A professional wax

A wax! I need a professional wax — because the last time I attempted to wax my own eyebrows, I ripped the outer half of one completely off. And don’t even get me started on what needs to happen to my nether regions. Just send me to a legit (read: not shady) establishment that offers waxing, and don’t ask me any questions.


Christmas List 2


3. A bra fitting

A professional bra fitting, along with high-quality, STURDY, bras, are a must-have for any mother. Strangely, almost none of us moms have been professionally fitted in the past decade, and yes, we are still wearing the same tired-out bras from 2006. Good bras are the foundation upon which a fantastic figure is built, so Santa better make sure I get that.


Christmas List 6


4. A year’s worth of Starbucks

Eventually, my family is going to learn that I don’t function until caffeine enters my bloodstream. Making sure I never, ever run out of coffee would truly be in their best interest. And mine. But mostly theirs. See how thoughtful I am for putting this on my list?


Christmas List 7


5. A professional makeup tutorial

Please, PLEASE make me throw out all of that half-used up sh*t in my makeup bag from 10 years ago. I have no idea how to properly do a smoky eye or hide my wrinkles by contouring. I need help covering up my eye bags, dealing with this newfound acne problem of my late thirties, and fighting off the early signs of aging. I’m a mess. Send help via someone who knows how to make it all better: a makeup consultant.


Christmas List 8

6. Non-breakable, non-spillable, wine glasses

I am an ungraceful person who likes to drink wine. This unfortunate combination often results in spilled beverages and broken stemware, which is part of the reason why I’ve been relegated to drinking from plastic cups with Spider-man on the side. I have a fantasy of having just one Christmas season where I don’t break ANYTHING, and I’m pretty sure if that is going to happen, I need a set of hard-to-break wine glasses.


Christmas List 3

7. A weekend away…alone

A night or two in a hotel – yes, alone. This is not for sexy time, husband, so go ahead and get that idea out of your head. I need a weekend away to do nothing but eat and sleep in peace, in a bed all to myself, without little people poking me in the face at 5 a.m.


Christmas List 9


8. Spa package

Are you getting a theme here? It’s pampering. I just want to have my skin rubbed down with a sugar scrub and oil and my feet massaged with an exotic blend of some sort. And for no one to talk to me while it’s happening. And a mimosa. And for my toes to be painted a pretty color that won’t chip off. Unless you can provide those services, send me to someone who can.


Christmas List 1

9. Cosmetic dermatology. Lasers. Botox.

No judging! This is MY Christmas list, and I can put laserderm on it if I want to. The reason why this is the last item is because it’s also the most pricey and over-the-top and also I TOTALLY WANT THIS, I’VE BEEN SO GOOD THIS YEAR, PLEASE BRING ME A CHEMICAL PEEL TO GET RID OF THESE AGE SPOTS.