Most of us had been showering quite successfully on our own for a good decade or two (or three!) by the time we had kids. This should prove as solid evidence that we can handle the process without assistance, right? WRONG. Our kids might not question the validity of a giggly cartoon sea sponge’s need to wear square pants on the regular, yet they have exactly zero trust in our reassurances that we’re doing JUST FINE, THANKS when we attempt to shower alone. They check in on us, they join us, they provide commentary that makes us wish we had fixed the d*mn lock on the door.
What does it feel like to be supervised by our offspring while we shower? That’s exactly the question I posed to a slew of perfectly capable moms more than happy to share their terrifying tales from the tiles.
“You know that nightmare where you’re up on stage, but you don’t know any of your lines, or even what play you’re in but you know the audience is expecting a good show? It’s that. Also you’re naked, and the viewers like to heckle.” – Kate L. of Omaha, NE
“There is no reality TV judge who can eviscerate a contestant worse than the running commentary of a child watching his or her mother shower.” – Meredith G. of Los Angeles, CA
“I imagine that this is what specimens in a Petrie dish feel like. STOP STARING.” – Jennifer O. of Savannah, GA
“The best is when they randomly open the door and suck out all the heat like little dementors.” – Mary W. of Champaign, IL
“I spend the whole time wishing the shower had a volume control so I could drown out the sound of the wailing on the other side of the curtain. Except when they’re quiet. Then I have to rush to make sure they aren’t shaving the cat with my lady trimmer.” – Elly L. of South Orange, NJ
“My godson waited outside the curtain. When I poked my head around and asked what he was doing, he quipped, ‘I’m waiting to see your penis.’” – Andra W. of Charleston, SC
“It’s bad enough when you wake up and see them standing there watching you sleep, but even creepier when you see that frightful shadow in the shower curtain and slowly pull it back to see your kid just standing there with a blank look on his face.” – Michelle G. of Mineral Wells, WV
“My 6-year-old said, ‘I can’t wait to get me some of those BIG boobies!’” – Julie B. of Overland Park, KS
“My 5-year-old actually gets in the shower with me, because I guess I keep forgetting to lock the door or teach her about boundaries or whatever. I especially enjoy it when she camps out directly underneath me while I’m trying to shave my legs, which is sort of like juggling knives on a Slip-n-Slide while hecklers comment on your stretch marks and complain that you’re dripping shaving cream on their heads.” – Robyn W. of Niles, MI
“Worst shower ever: The one where my daughter looked down and demanded to know where I bought my furry underwear.” – Jessica W. of Southgate, MI
“My granddaughter watched me come out of the shower and she said, ‘Hey Gaga, you have nice boobies.’ So, you know, a little shout out to the sisters was nice.” – M. Combs of Cincinnati, OH
“My kid looked at me and said, ‘You’re really old, aren’t you?’” – Alexandra R. of Milwaukee, WI
“It feels like a cross between Psycho and The Shining.” – Jennifer W. P. of New York, NY
Do your kids try to supervise your showers? Tell us about it in the comments!
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