All the Things More Effective Than Sex Education in School

Instead of the safety versus abstinence talk that teenagers are likely getting this spring, or giving them a doll/egg/bag of flour to love for a week, I think it’s high time we educate the kids on the reality of pregnancy and parenthood more accurately. They deserve to know what they’re chancing, should their hormone-addled brains go weak against the urges of their bodies. These tactics should do the job of repelling them into keeping their pants on. Sure, some might seem “dangerous” or “cruel” but isn’t that kind of what it’s really like sometimes? 


1. Make each of them wear a pregnancy suit that mimics the sensation of hemorrhoids, sciatica, and cervical electrocution simultaneously for 4 to 8 weeks.

2. Have strangers stroke thier tummies without permission, telling them how huge they are, and comment on their distorted faces.

3. Use electrodes to simulate unmedicated childbirth while someone chirpily cheers them on from the sidelines, taking photos of their misery.

4. Give them a magic pill that lets them experience the realities of that first post-childbirth poop.

5. Hand them the hospital bill for childbirth and two nights’ stay and really make them pay it.

6. Insist they cancel all social engagements for 4 to 12 years that don’t involve at least a dozen screaming/crying kids who shall then proceed to cough on them.

7. Remove any flattering clothing from their closets, as well as anything that is not stained.

8. Have strangers approach them whenever they may go with the sole purpose of telling them that everything they’re doing is wrong.

9. Have tiny people vomit milk on them 2 to 8 times a day.

10. Fill their home with the scent of used diaper pail.

11. Wake them at 2 a.m. a Saturday night so they can spend the next seven hours in a busy ER only to have the doctor tell them it’s a normal rash and to make an appointment with the pediatrician within the week.

12. Have them share a small room with a colicky baby for three months.

13. Show them an Exersaucer filled with baby diarrhea that they need to clean.

14. Make them carry a 25 pound weight for two years straight, not allowing them to bump it into any doorways, splash it with too-hot water, and never put it down even once.

15. Have them change the dirty diapers of kids ages newborn (runny sweet-smelling poo) to two (terrifying man-log poo) 10 times a day for a week.

16. Hand them a wiley weasel that loves being naked and tell them to make sure it has a diaper and pants on at all times.

17. Put them in charge of potty training 2-year-old twins.

18. Attach a tot with separation anxiety to them and tell the teen to try and go anywhere, ever, without feeling guilty.

19. Enter them into the psychological warfare of trying to get a toddler to eat her vegetables.

20. Each time they use the bathroom, stand in front of their knees asking existential questions, crying while tattling on a sibling, or climb into their lap.

21. Tuck them in at night with a twitchy wildebeest sweating on their neck because it loves them so much.

22. Wake them up every two hours all night long then inform them that it’s morning by kicking them in the nipple and shouting, “BREAKFAST MAMA” in their face until they stand up.

After that kind of interactive Family Life experience, they will have the education they really need to make the right choices for their health and well-being (and sanity and social life)…for now.

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