The Worried Mom’s Diet: The Most Effective Way to Lose Weight

The transition to kindergarten has been hard. Not so much for my kid, but for me. Kindergarten’s a whole new ball game from pre-school complete with real-live expectations, homework, and social dynamics to navigate at every turn.

My friends with older kids warned me. “It’s a big transition,” they all said over and over again. “It took my kids months to settle in.”


And kindergarten is the first of many transitions he’ll go through.  Cleary, I’m going to have to worry through middle school, his first high school dance, and braces.  Good lord, how am I going to worry through braces?  That’ll keep me up all night for sure.

I can’t forget about his driver’s license. I’m going to need to worry him through that. There’s going to be a first kiss, first broken heart, college applications, college, pressure, job interviews. And then there’s going to be the rest of his life, which will worry me too.

But there’s one good thing about being a worried Mom: the weight loss.  Sure, I haven’t slept since my kid started kindergarten, but I haven’t eaten either.  Who could? There’s worrying to do. I can have a sandwich later.

So while the worry stinks, the Worried Moms Diet has its perks. I’m being re-introduced to my ribs and hipbones faster than I can say, “I’ll just have water.”

Wondering if you’re on the Worried Moms Diet yourself?  Do you Swiffer your floors at 3 am before mainlining 4 episodes of “Scandal” while your family sleeps soundly?  Well then, you’re on The Worried Moms Diet.  Here’s how you know.

First there’s shock, then comes the loss of sleep.  This is when you’ll notice your floors are remarkably clean and you marvel at how well you function on 2 ½ hours of interrupted sleep.

Next, you’ll get embarrassed and stop returning friends’ calls.  This is also the time when the loss of appetite settles in. Enjoy this part. It’s one of the few perks of parenting. Trust me, I know. I have two kids to worry about.

Once you’ve stopped eating, you’ll go into some form of denial.

Right after you go into denial, you’ll get angry.  You won’t get angry at your child because that’s not in the parenting handbook, but you’ll get angry at his school, his friends or wherever he’s having problems. If you’re really worried, you’ll also start to get angry at people who have nothing to with your kid. This is a good time to find a new nail salon since you’re no longer welcome at the old one.

Then, you’ll decide to take action. You and the hubs will decide to get out of your worried rut and started helping your kid.  You’ll hire tutors, experts, and specialists. But first, you’ll take a spin class.

This is the point when most worried Moms decide they need a higher calling. To some Worried Moms, this means taking up yoga or connecting with the church. To other Worried Moms, they’ll find a higher calling at the shoe department at Nordstrom.  Then, a real worrier can head upstairs to try on all the jeans her worrying has now allowed her to fit in to. She’ll buy 3 pairs, which will all look the same.

For a moment, the Worried Mom will revel in her newfound size 4.  She’ll take a gander at her hipbone, which she hasn’t seen in years. “Hello old friend,” she’ll say while gazing in the mirror. She’ll be so enamored with her long lost bones, she’ll consider worrying forever.  “It’s easier than Jenny Craig,” she’ll think. “And cheaper than Weight Watchers.”  Then her cell phone will ring. The caller id will say, “Kid’s school.”  She’ll take a deep breath, grind her teeth down to the nub and answer the phone.

Then she and her 3 pairs of size 4 jeans will go get in the car and head out to her kid’s school. But first, she’ll take a spin class.