Why I Insist That My Husband Give Me Flowers On Valentine’s Day

I’m a fairly low-maintenance spouse. I didn’t make a big deal over the size of my engagement ring, and I meant every word when I vowed “for richer or for poorer.” I don’t require huge gestures or over-the-top gifts, but I do require one tiny thing: Flowers on February 14. This is non-negotiable.

I don’t know when this all started. Maybe my old boyfriends are to blame, but I don’t want chocolate or fancy food, and I especially do not want one of those God-forsaken cards that sing when I open it (shudder). All I need to feel appreciated are flowers and a handwritten note. Oh, and a back rub, but that’s a topic for another day.

Every year, I tell my husband not to come home without flowers. I’m pretty sure he pulled into our driveway empty-handed last year and threw it into reverse to make a run to the store when he saw me peering through the kitchen window. That’s right, ladies. I’m not playing around. IDGAF if he has to pick them directly from the neighbor’s yard, he is not to set foot inside our house on Valentine’s Day without a bouquet in hand.

Maybe I’m a little old-fashioned, but there’s nothing quite like getting fresh flowers. It makes me feel romanced. Plus, they’re gorgeous, overpriced, and gone within a week. What’s not to love?

My practical husband thinks buying flowers is a waste of money, akin to throw pillows, gourmet crackers, and all the other frivolities that females enjoy, so it took him a long time to realize that it is well worth the money to make me swoon. Wink, wink.

Even though I’ve made a big deal out of it from the beginning, I still have to make sure to remind him weeks in advance of what I expect on Valentine’s Day, because men are maddeningly forgetful, albeit wonderful, creatures. So this year, I’ve made him a list to support my request.

1. A normal uterus is smaller than a pear. My formerly-pear-sized uterus has been stretched to house a pot-roast-sized human being on three separate occasions, because women are fu*king magical.

2. Everyone in this house seems to think that the laundry miraculously does itself, involving zero work. This is an example of what is known as “alternative facts,” which means it is absolutely false. Everyone has clean underwear because I washed and dried each pair before delivering them to the proper location.

3. Our family goes through approximately 60 gallons of milk in a calendar year, and I select and deliver every gallon to our home.

4. No one in our household has contracted salmonella yet, and that is because I clean everything all the time. I basically save all of our lives on the daily. If that doesn’t warrant flowers, I don’t know what does.

5. I have boobs and I will decide when I will show them.

6. I’m likely to show my boobs after I receive flowers.

7. Every time I glance over at the bouquet, I’ll fall in love with my husband all over again. Even if he just tracked wet Rice Krispies all the way across the living room carpet.

They don’t have to be roses, they just need to be alive and bug-free. Go forth, husband, and gather them. You won’t regret it.

Photo: Getty