What You Need to Know about Your Mate BEFORE Having Kids

In a recent ad for a Taiwanese plastic surgery center, a beautiful woman and equally attractive man were holding their three not so good- looking children. The ad copy read, “The only thing you have to worry you about after plastic surgery is the explaining you’ll have to do to your children.”

The hilarious ad worked, going viral and even becoming a “real” fake news story about a man who sued his wife after having his three “not so good looking” children.


But the ad also brings up a very good question: are you obligated to tell your spouse about your plastic surgery before having children? After all, your perfect nose isn’t actually yours and your children stand no genetic chance of inheriting it. A Mom who has toyed with new hair colors and has augmented body parts to perfection, is more than likely to birth a kid who looks nothing like her, at least not currently.,/p>

We all think we know our partners so well, but do we? Do we know our genetic partners; everyone whose genetics are going to have a say in how your kiddo comes out. From looks to smarts, here’s what you need to know about who you’re making babies with.

WHICH BODY PARTS ARE REAL. Beware. You may love his nose or he may love your high cheekbones. But if none of them are real, your kiddos are stuck with his old crooked-shnoz and your pie face.

CRAZY RELATIVES. Genetically speaking, there’s a chance your future child could inherit Grandma’s “eccentric” behavior, which nowadays would earn her a vacay in the psych ward. You owe it to your kids to find out just how bat shit crazy your partner’s family is.

WILL THERE BE FELONS AT THANKSGIVING? This doesn’t mean you wouldn’t marry into a family who’s got a felon or two in the bunch. It does mean you may lock up the real stuff on Thanksgiving. It’s good to be prepared.

ANY EX-WIVES YOU SHOULD KNOW ABOUT? Once, twice, three times a lady. There’s no worse time to find out Daddy’s not a first time Daddy, then after you’ve given birth.

DID HE EVER SELL HIS SWIMMERS? Maybe he sold his swimmers just to pay for college, but it could mean he’s actually got a few kids out there. Remember that guy that found out his sold sperm had made 14 children? Yeah, find out before you birth #15.

CHECKERED PAST THAT MAY OR MAY NOT INCLUDE A STRIPPER POLE? No judgment, but if you’re actually making a kiddo with Magic Mike, it’s helpful to know ahead of time. Likewise, if you’re girl seemed to pay for med school in single dollar bills, you may want to ask a few questions.

HAS HE SHE EVER SEEN THE INSIDE OF A PRISON? Someday your kid is going to be old enough to Google you. So Google your kid’s Dad before you kid does. If baby Daddy seems remarkably good at manufacturing license plates, he’s probably got a record. Not that there’s anything wrong with it.

I’M WITH STUPID. Stupid is as stupid births. So if you’re hoping your kid goes to Harvard, you should make a baby with someone who can at least spell Harvard. Or, is it Harverd?

And by the way nice nose, who did it?