So for the record, I think itâs great. Itâs just that I also think itâs gross.
And thatâs not all. While breastfeeding is fantastic, lovely, natural and a little gross, thereâs plenty about motherhood thatâs gross without the lovely. Like, have you ever taken your babyâs diaper off right when he or she needed it most, mid-poo? Faster than you can grab that fresh diaper, youâll put your hand directly under the babyâs tush and catch the creation yourself. Itâs a maternal reflex. We all do it. And itâs totally disgusting.
So is:
Birthing A Human Out Of Your Vagina.
I know, I know. Itâs fantastic, lovely and natural, too. But come on, isnât a person coming out of a person also a little gross? Like in a horror movie kind of a way?
Engorged Knockers.
You may love your breastfeeding âD-Cup.â But when those babies get engorged or are late to feed, theyâll look like something out of National Geographic. The hubs wonât mind, but you may.
Picking Your Kidâs Nose.
Personally, when I see a dangling booger in my kidâs nose, I see it as a challenge. I have to get in there, with my bare hands, as if Iâm wrestling a bear. A very disgusting green bear.
Inserting AâŚUm..Well Iâll Just Say ItâŚA Suppository.
Wiping your kidâs butt will seem like paradise compared to having to manually insert medicine into it.
Getting Thrown Up On.
Add getting peeâd on to this one and youâve got one nasty double-header. The only good thing about getting puked on is when the kid misses and doesnât puke directly into your mouth. That would be really gross.
Children Farting On You.
Kidsâ farts are vile. Whatâs worse? There is nothing a kid likes more than farting on someone, preferably his Mom. Who will be completely grossed out, which will make her kid giggle. And giggle. And giggle.
Doing The Kidsâ Laundry.
You never really minded doing the laundry, until the little one got out of diapers and the big one started sports. No matter how clean your kids are, there comes an age when every childâs clothing smells like a feet/blue cheese cocktail. Okay, thatâs gross.
Rectal Thermometers.
âNuff said.Â
As our kids get older, weâre also going to have garbage cans filled with maxi pads and have to teach our girls how to use tampons. Weâll have questionably âcrunchyâ tube socks shoved under the mattress and a kid who asks you to look at his man-junk to make sure it looks normal. Itâll be gross, but itâll be delightful. Because even though motherhood is gross, itâs also pretty fantastic.
Now, stop farting on your mother.