All the Roles Kids Play to Mortify Moms Constantly

I remember when I was cool. Okay, so maybe not quite as cool as The Fonz, but I at least had a smidgen of street cred and air of mystery about myself. Then I tossed a couple cuties outta my ute chute and they made my life one long painfully awkward moment. Imagine the constant horrifying embarrassment of middle school, only with much better hair and small, damp, shouty companions. I know I am not alone, for when I see other moms have the same things happen to them, I reach out to give them an enthusiastic fist bump of solidarity BEFORE laughing at their misery. I mean, when this stuff happens, how could I not?


1. The Emcee

Public bathrooms have the perfect acoustics for hollering out, “HEY MOM, ARE YOU MAKING BROWN BECAUSE IT’S PLOPPING LIKE BROWN.” And if you ever try to do a little subtle crop dusting at an elegant party you had no choice to bring your kids to, please know there will be a pause in all conversation and background music during the moment your darling offspring will shout, “WOW MOM WHAT DID YOU EAT YOUR FARTS STINK LIKE BARFING EGGS IN A DIAPER OF DOOM?” It’s like hearing a NASCAR race being announced, only one trillion times worse.

2. The Flash

It does not matter what you’re wearing, your child will find a way to pull your neckline down to expose your breasts and all their exhausted glory to an array of strangers around you, or lift up your skirt/pull down your pants to ensure the one person on the school blacktop that you were hoping to impress now knows the exact color of your period granny panties.

3. The Observationalist

It seems that tact takes a while to learn. Like A REALLY REALLY LONG WHILE. We understand this because we—and every human within shouting distance around us—hear each of our toddlers’ innermost thoughts about how that guy in line in front of us looks like a troll, how it seems like Grandma put her lipstick on with her eyes closed, how that pale teenger is a zombie, and how the moan you just did sounded a lot like the ones you kept making last night when Daddy went into the bedroom with you after dinner.

4. The Anatomy Major

As soon as kids learn about what makes boys boys and girls girls, they will tell everyone they come into contact with exactly what kind of genitals those people have. Sometimes they will get it wrong, too. That’s a super good time for everyone involved. Yep. Suuuuuch a hoot.

5. The Leak

Chances are that if there is one private chat you have with your husband behind closed doors about one person you secretly can’t stand that one of your kids accidentally overhears, you will immediately run into that person so your child can announce exactly what you think of him/her by repeating, ad nauseum, said private conversation.

6. The Conversation Stopper

The most fun transition to ending a conversation with someone you don’t know very well is for your child to slip in between you and that person in order to slap their grubby little paws directly onto your nipples and Purple Nurple them until you ask what it is they need from you while you silently acknowledge that you can never make direct eye contact with that person ever again.

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Photo: Getty