The Swagger Wagon

 Before I was a mom, I never really understood the whole mom/van phenomenon. It was beyond me why people became mothers and then suddenly needed a van to seat eight people.


 Is it just me or does a baby add one person to your family or six?


Not to mention, these mommy vans always managed to look like they worked the night-shift as a homeless shelter. No matter when you checked, you would always find half-eaten French fries, chicken nuggets, bits of dried up cheese, old milk containers, tiny straws from juice boxes, balled up pampers, grimy blankets, stuffed animals that appeared to carry communicable diseases, old shoes, random underwear, broken toys, and always, always sippy cups that appeared to be growing new varieties of mold and mutant plants species.


I could never understand why they wanted to ride around in a moving landfill. It didnt even seem healthy. Especially for the children.


What I didn’t realize is that once you are a mom, you already have so many things to schlep from the house to the car and from the car to the house and back again, every time you go somewhere, that you cannot possibly stop the inevitable transformation of your vehicle into a moving storage space and optional trash can.


In addition, I also realized that large vehicles, such as the mini-van, station wagon, or sport utility vehicle, are actually quite useful if you are in a family way. Suddenly, the back of your car is so filled with strollers, diaper bags, breast pumps, sand toys, blankets, clothes, extra clothes, dirty clothes, water bottles, baby bottles, random balls, and who knows what else, that you can barely manage to squeeze in the groceries.


If you took at look at my van right now, you would probably notice that there is a full meal available to you in the crevices of each installed car seat, as well as several sippy cups with questionable, but still possibly, ingestible nourishing liquids. There are always plenty of extra clothes, in various states of use, on the floor, in case anyone has an accident and needs to change. And no one would ever be bored because there are always plenty of toys stashed under the seats. Think of the amenities!


Whenever I fill up my van with gas, I always make sure to empty the van of anything that has sprouted or emitting noxious fumes. Other than toxic pampers and septic sippy cups, everything else is usually still fully functional, such as the three-week old cookies in my two-year-olds seat that he is delighted to find every time he gets in the car. Cookie! he proclaims with enormous satisfaction, as he reaches under his butt and produces a small whole-wheat bunny for us to see.


If you are a mom and your car is in a questionable state of cleanliness, don’t feel bad or guilty. Rejoice! A dirty car is the sign of a happy heart. Just think of all the hours you are saving in cleaning while you enjoying quality time with your children.