9 Absurd Things My Husband Says

I love my husband. Let’s start there. He’s a really good guy, he works hard, and he helps me out at home a lot. As the stay-at-home parent, I definitely shoulder the bulk of the on-site stress, but that’s not to say he has it easy. I’ve always loved his sense of humor and kind heart. This is a man who truly loves his family and for that I am so grateful.

But he’s still a man. And for all the wonderful things he says and does, sometimes my husband is completely clueless. The things that come out of his mouth can be so absurd it’s jaw dropping. Here are some of the classics:


1. “I can’t get sick right now.” At the first sign of a tiny sniffle or sneeze from anyone else in the pack, this guy is running to the man cave clutching a bottle of Airborne because he can’t afford to get sick. Ever. That’s cool, babe. I’ll just be out here standing in as a human tissue because I can totally get sick right now. Timing’s perfect.

2. “There are toys on the floor — someone could trip.” Ummm, kay? I’m holding a baby and dealing with a 2-year-old’s meltdown while sorting laundry with my toe. Is there a reason that the only thing you can do about the toys on the floor is point them out?

3. “Calm down.” In the middle — or even at the start! — of a conflict of any kind, this is his go-to. When are men ever going to learn that the worst way to get a woman to calm down is to tell her to?

4. “Are you almost ready?” You know, it must be really amazing having the opportunity to take a shower every single day. I’m lucky if I can sneak in a quickie once everyone is sleeping, but hair never happens. So excuse me if this one time we are actually going to do something on a Saturday, I took 20 whole minutes to get myself together. YES I’M ALMOST READY AND I JUST FREAKING GOT IN HERE.

5. “…But you’re better at it.” Changing diapers. Folding laundry. Wrangling toddlers and clipping them into carseats. This is the response I get when I ask him to do any of the above. Well, honey, you know what they say: practice makes perfect.

6. “I can’t — I’m holding the baby.” This guy can’t so much as grab the remote when he’s (finally) holding the baby. Especially hilarious at the end of a 12-hour day during which I have done two loads of laundry, made and cleaned up lunch, helped our 2-year-old on and off the potty multiple times, made all our beds, and written an article, all while (you guessed it!) holding the baby.

7. “I need a boy’s night.” PAHAHAHAHA. I know, you totally deserve the opportunity to blow our weekend entertainment budget on beers and cabs while I sit at home eating microwaved pizza and watching Dateline with two needy children in my bed at the end of the week. For some reason, when I think about who needs a night off with their friends you’re not the first person who pops into my mind, dear!

8. “I’m so tired.” OHMYGOD, go away. Like, yes. Parenting in general is exhausting. I’m with you there, buddy. But five days after my C-Section when the baby was up every 45 minutes all night long and sucking the life out of me in between, I actually thought about punching him when he yawned and uttered this phrase after sleeping soundly in the other room. Recently, he’s tacked on a, “Not as tired as you!” to save our marriage.

9. “You look hot.” I have no idea what he sees. With a newborn and a toddler on my hands, I look like an absolute disaster. My eyes are bloodshot, I’m holding onto the final 10 pounds of baby weight with a crazy grip, and I haven’t blown out my hair in as long as I can remember. But way more often than it’s probably true, he whips out this gem and all over again I remember why I loved him in the first place.

Photo: Getty