Weird green tech and off-the-hook hybrids … and the naked celebs promoting them. The coldest record on year and the Maldives’ panic attack. It’s been a wild year in green, and as environmental issues (i.e. the melting of the effing planet) hit the mainstream, we can expect even more ridonculosity from Sarah Palin and treehuggers alike. But let’s take a look at the most important green stories of 2008. And by important, we mean crazy.
The Future? Farked, Dude
(Image via radioactiveliberty)
One of the big stories of 2008 was the horrifying realization that we’re all pretty much screwed. The coalescence of bad news from all fronts (animals dying, temperatures rising, Bush helpfully doing his best to speed the process) created a global vibe of eco anxiety that ballooned like a disturbingly real and therefore distinctly unpleasant tumescence. The kind you discover way too close to your person at 4 a.m. after a night of heavy drinking at the local dive bar. The frat boy hard-on in the side of our collective existence: Very Bleak Future for Humanity. Thanks, United Nations.
What the World Needs Now Is More Naked Celebs
(Image via likewe’dlinktopetathefrigginattentionwhores)
If PETA can be depended upon for anything, it’s making animal rights appealing to the unconverted showcasing sexy celebrities. From Alicia Silverstone to Sophie Monk, it’s been a great year for gratuitous flesh in the name of a good cause. Funny, there’s only one thing this picture needs. More meat.
Palin: Polar Bears Are Needy Losers
(Images via nerepublican and Current)
Sarah Palin sued the Bush Administration for finally doing one nice thing for the environment by trying to better protect polar bears. Way to keep them on their toes, Caribou Barbie! In all fairness, any animal that makes a big fuss by drowning after its habitat melts is clearly in need of a chat with Dr. Phil. So clingy, those polar bears! But hey, she’s still hot.
Cold Sand? That’s Hot
(Image via squirmelia)
You know what the world needs more of? Aside from cowbell, plenty of refrigerated beaches. Fortunately, Versace stepped in recently to solve the worrisome plight of walking on warm sand by installing a refrigerator under its new hotel’s beach. No longer will the jet set suffer such toasty indignities! Besides, if you don’t have to wear flip flops at the shore, you’re avoiding plastic and that’s super eco-friendly.
Survival of the Drunkest
(Image via nhn)
There’s a lot of codswallop about cockroaches surviving nuclear winter, melting icebergs and whatever other delightful irreversible catastrophes humans come up with to decimate life as we know it. But let’s face it: environmental issues are seriously depressing, and the only cure for that is beer, which cockroaches do not drink. The world paused in awe this year when it learned that shrews can drink your roommate (you know which one) under the table. It’s obviously a defense mechanism, like skunk musk or rolling in scat, only more likely to get you laid. Shrews rage, pounding the equivalent of 9 glasses of hooch in a single sitting without burping a beat. Clearly, they will be the next species on top. Bookmark our words.
Speaking of Bugs
(Image via Waponi)
Scientists discovered a bug (well, a microbe, but who’s counting) that eats garbage and poops oil. Forget the Dark Knight, all we need is Superbug. Considering that the modern consumer’s world is made of disposable plastic and said consumers swill petrol like it’s the cure for cancer, this is literally the best thing since sliced bread. M. Night Shyamalan couldn’t make this up. Maybe 6 years ago he could have, but not now.
Homeland Security: #*)&#$%! Up the Rotation
(Image via rochestersolar)
Puff puff give! Puff puff give! Oh, hey. What’s up? Apparently wind power poses a threat to national security…in some place called the UK. Rotating turbines interfere with radar, making it really difficult for the government to fight the evil-doers. Fortunately, in the USA, we take a firm stance against wind power despite the efforts of the liberal media.
Shmeat: the Other Cloned Meat
(Image via misterbisson)
There’s a carrot being dangled for any scientist who can invent meat that isn’t meat. No, not mock meat that doesn’t even taste remotely like tasty murder making you wonder why they bother. Actual meat that still isn’t meat. Meet shmeat. Supposedly, a pile of cash goes to the inventor who can not only create a faux filet but get it past the FDA and onto grocery shelves. Any scientist who would fall for that contest is probably already busy working for the Discovery Institute, but fingers crossed!
Oh, You Wanted Real Environmental Stories?
(Image via earthhouseholder)
The sense of entitlement is a little much. Here.