7 Infuriating Things My Husband Says After I’ve Been Up All Night Breastfeeding the Baby

My baby is a boob addict, a Boob Girl. She loves to breastfeed so much she refuses to take a bottle, even one filled with breast milk. We’re talking outraged cries, crocodile tears, and a feeding strike every time someone dares offer her a nipple that isn’t mine.

My husband doesn’t get why our girl’s attachment to my boobs stresses me out. But, how can he not?! I walk around in a sleep-deprived, espresso-proof fog. Plus, I’m sort of…trapped. Even leaving the house to run errands makes me feel guilty. What if the baby gets hungry? What if she’s crying inconsolably the whole time I’m gone?!

I might have a sense of humor about the fact that my former B cups have become so glorious, so important …if I weren’t so damn tired.

I still say breastfeeding is a beautiful thing — just maybe not at 4 a.m. when it’s our third feeding of the night. My husband promises that he’ll keep trying to get the baby to take a bottle, but so far? Not so much. And when he says one of these things after a particularly rough night — sorry, there’s no way to sugar coat this — I feel like punching him in the face:

1. “I’m exhausted.” Really? Because you got a full eight hours of sleep on the couch, while I was up and down with the baby all night.

2. “She was only up twice? That’s not bad!” Unless, of course, you were the one up with her. Which you weren’t.

3. “You should just let her cry next time.” Great idea! In fact, maybe she’ll wake up her brother. Nothing like a wide awake, baby and cranky preschooler — both screaming — in the middle of the night.

4. “I feel you.” Nope, nope you don’t. You know how I know? You don’t have boobs, which means you’ve never pulled an all-nighter with either one of our kids.

5. “Just cut her off. She doesn’t need to eat for half an hour.” Riiiight. I’ll explain the whole thing to her and then everyone will just go peacefully back to bed.

6. Thanks for the recap. Oh yes he did say this at 5 a.m. when I woke him up (in tears), because the baby had been up every two hours all night long, and I was desperate for sleep. And yes, I nearly lost my mind.

7. She’s just got to learn she needs to take a bottle. Yes, yes she does. So about that time you said you’d work on getting her comfortable with a bottle … when are you planning to, um, do that?

I. Just. Can’t. Deal.

What’s the most obnoxious thing your husband has said to you after you’ve been up all night breastfeeding?

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