It does not matter how rational a person you have proved yourself to be up until this point. It does not matter whether you were trying to get pregnant or were caught by surprise. When your period is late and you pee on that pregnancy test that has been shoved in the back of your medicine cabinet and see a positive result, you will go temporarily completely and utterly insane. An undeniable “Yes, You Are Pregnant” message in the palm of your hand read by your two perfectly functioning eyeballs will make all of your sensibilities fail. You will question everything. EVERYTHING.
There are roller coaster rides, and then there are the whiplash-inducing emotions of a woman who just saw two little lines appear in a wash of her morning urine. This is what will go through your mind when it happens to you:
1. IT’S POSITIVE. It’s definitely positive. I think it’s positive? Or does that second line in the “positive” circle mean negative? WHERE IS THE BOX?! I NEED THE INSTRUCTIONS RIGHT NOW.
2. Okay, sooo…this is definitely positive. A POSITIVE PREGNANCY TEST FOR SURE (!!!) If this isn’t a defective test, of course. What if it is lying to me? What if I bought the one test that is a lying liar full of lies? What do I do now? WHAT DO I DO NOW?
3. I NEED MORE TESTS. I will drink a gallon of water, grab my keys, and go get more tests. I need to be sure. More sure than just one positive. I need many positives. It’s the reasonable thing to do AND I AM ALL ABOUT BEING REASONABLE RIGHT NOW.
4. Do my boobs hurt? I think my boobs hurt. Hurty boobs definitely mean I’m pregnant. OW! I need to stop poking my boobs to see if they hurt. That’s probably why they hurt. Definitely not pregnant. Even though the test came back positive.
5. Ugh, this is a lot of water.
6. WHICH AISLE WHICH AISLE WHICH AISLE THIS AISLE. TRY NOT TO RUN. I AM SO CASUALLY JUST LOOKING AT PREGNANCY TESTS LA LA LA. Hm. Which should I get? ALL THE TESTS. TWO OF EACH. THAT SHOULD DO.
7. Wow, that’s a lot of money. If I am pregnant, I can’t spend money like this. I have to be responsible. Baby stuff is expensive. So is the bigger car we’ll need. So is college. How the heck will we afford college? We can’t afford college!
8. I feel sick. I must be pregnant. Or it was that gallon of water sloshing around in there? Am I drowning the baby with all this water? I am already the worst mother ever.
9. I should tell him what is happening right now. No, I shouldn’t. I need to know for sure for sure first. But he’d want to know. Unless he wouldn’t want to know until I know for sure for sure. I’m almost home. I’ll know soon and then he’ll know and then…*sobs at the thought of him being a dad.*
10. PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER, WOMAN. You have a LOT of peeing to do.
11. Okay, so, they’re all lined up next to the first test…which still is positive. I’ll pee on them one by one then go make a snack and then check the results and everything is going to be just fine. WOW I’m getting a lot of pee on my hand.
12. Two minutes. I can handle waiting two minutes. No big deal. A hundred and twenty seconds. Totally manageable. I’ve waited longer than that for things before. Nothing as important as potentially changing my entire life but let’s not think about that. I am calm. I am patient. I am trying not to barf.
13. Sandwich! I’ll make something to eat. Something good. Something…wait. Isn’t there a huge list of things I can’t eat if I’m pregnant? Let’s look that up to be sure.
14. Okay, sooo…these websites say…I…can’t…eat…anything good anymore. That sucks. I love food! I don’t think I’m ready to give up food. Whoops—I didn’t mean to click that link.
15. Oh man, I shouldn’t have clicked that link. Hemorrhoids? No cheese? I’ll grow a beard? How are they laughing about owning boobs that look like sad elbows? What the—no. Nope. I changed my mind. I don’t want to do this. I’m not ready for this. They’re probably not positive, anyway, even though the first one was. No need to panic.
16. Was that the timer?
17. So, I’ll go in there, look, and if they say I’m not pregnant, no big deal. It’ll be okay. It sounds like the opposite of fun, right? This way, we have time to save money and prepare our apartment and do the things we can’t do once we have kids. It’s gonna be fine.
18. THEY ARE ALL POSITIVE.
19. OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG. I really am pregnant.
20. I’m gonna be a mom. *cries*
21. Me! A MOM.
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