To the High-Rolling Preggo Demanding Posh Baby Gifts: Your Kid Is Not Royal

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Yeah, you: The pregnant lady whose baby registry reads like a list of Princess Charlotte‘s fashion favorites. I imagine you’re coming from a place of love and excitement. Having a baby is an exciting thing! We all love our littles (or littles-to-be) with a passion we’ve never known before. In a dream world, they’d be swaddled and coddled in only the finest, softest, whitest, and most beautiful clothes and blankets. They’d cruise around town in only the best chariot. We’d diaper them in gold. Well, soft gold anyway. We all want the best for our kids.

But, here’s what you’re missing. If you want to max out your credit card, rely on wealthy family members, or if you genuinely have the cash to buy only top-of-the-line products across the board, that’s wonderful. Go for it! But you can’t expect the rest of us to do the same thing. When I open your $9 baby shower invite, the last thing I want to see is that the only clothing you’re “accepting” is from Ralph Lauren and Kissy Kissy. Oh boy.

What you don’t know about $70 outfits is that babies display a poop-to-clothing ratio that makes them about 50 times likelier to take explosive poos in top-dollar items. Running low on diapers? Snap him into a one-piece you fished out of the half-off bin and watch as he holds his stuff in for hours. I swear. It’s a thing. The first time I put my child in the one Kissy Kissy ensemble we own, there was so much poop everywhere, our shared nanny sent home the insert from my neighbor’s Mamaroo in a garbage bag. I worked on that outfit (and the Mamaroo insert) all weekend. The pants don’t (really) show the stain after 30 washings, but they’re no longer the same color as the top. Just saying.

Of course, every mom splurges one in a while. Like I said, we all want nice things for our children’s nurseries, and of course baby shower gifts are often more opulent than what we’d buy for our own kids. My own stroller is top-of-the-line (gift from the grandparents), and I peruse Gilt, Zulily, Etsy, and every other baby retailer where I can find amazing stuff for my baby. Nothing makes me melt like seeing my kid in a fancy ensemble. But come on. Every outfit, every day? Are we to assume that nothing at a reasonable price is cute? When I assembled my own registry, there was a good mix of high and low. For every overpriced, techy, obnoxious item my husband or I swore we needed, there were just as many affordable basics. Nixing the entire baby retail industry with the exception of two high-priced brands and expecting your baby shower guests to comply? That’s not OK.

Your. Kid. Is. Not. Royal. 

So listen up, scan-happy preggo. It’s time to double-check that registry and slap some stuff on there that your 22-year-old cousin can afford, and maybe something that won’t make great-grandmother faint from the sheer idiocy of its price point. I want to shower you with love and nice baby gifts — just not the kind that cost half a paycheck. And if you don’t love the clothes you receive at the shower, return the suckers and use the credit for diapers. (We’ve all done it). But please don’t act as though your child, from $60 sun hat to handmade suede moccasins, is better than the rest of ours. Or that every single “normal” baby item is just not good enough.

Another piece of advice: Try and remember that poop-to-clothing ratio, because I have a feeling you have many days of stain removal in your not-too-distant future. Of course, whenever you’re ready to go fishing through the half-off bin with me, I’m there.