My Vampire Baby’s Antics + 7 More Reasons Why I Can’t Sleep

If you search the phrase “third trimester can’t,” Google provides a lot of hilarious and accurate options:

third trimester google search crop

These third trimester problems are all familiar, but for me the biggest issue is not being able to sleep. Since I know I’ll be up all night for many months after the baby is born, it feels rather unfair that I can’t stockpile some Z’s now. 

Here are just some of the things keeping me awake:

1. My vampire baby, who waits until the moment I lie down to do her marching band practice (I assume)

2. Heartburn and indigestion, both of which only kick in at night

3. Hunger pangs, which lead to eating, which starts the whole heartburn/indigestion cycle anew

4. My huge, uncomfortable belly, the weight of which can actually make my ass go to sleep

5. Really needing to pee every 15 minutes (you could set your watch by it) while also feeling like I need to pee at all times

6. Major Braxton Hicks contractions (if this is my body practicing for labor, then one day I should be able to go pro)

7. Itchy skin that laughs in the face of lotion

8. Round ligament pain–at least I hope that’s what it is, and not my lower abdomen actually ripping open, Alien style

On top of coping with these symptoms each night, I’m also trying desperately not to wake my husband while I travel back and forth to the bathroom or watch Netflix on my iPad (with headphones, but still), because somebody in this family should sleep. However, the act of trying to be quiet invariably leads to me dropping said iPad on the floor, causing my husband to believe “the big one” has begun (we live in earthquake country) and bolt upright in bed. I feel guilty about this. A little. 

“At least you don’t have to go to a job,” my husband says, not trying to sound like a dick but doing it anyway, when I complain about how tired I am. And it’s true, I can sometimes nap during the day, before preschool pickup, and between writing and errands, but the more daytime sleep I get, the harder it is to fall asleep at night, even though I’m exhausted. From existing.

If I was having insomnia outside of pregnancy, I would not be shy about popping some sleeping pills, but given my status, it doesn’t seem right to interrupt marching band practice with brain-altering chemicals. That leaves Benadryl (pretty sure I’ve built up such a tolerance to where it won’t even relieve my allergies anymore) and warm milk (makes me have to pee) and…I don’t know, any ideas?

The upside is that I’m sometimes very productive at 3 a.m., which is now when all my friends are getting emails from me. 

The downside is that when you mix pregnancy brain with zombie brain, you get someone who can’t even remember people’s first names.  So for this final month of pregnancy, please be understanding when I address you as “Dude.”   

Photo: Getty