Welcome to Pregnancy Without a Filter, my weekly series in which I chronicle my life as a first-time mom-to-be. Read along for insights, outbursts, ups, downs, and the real deal about the crazy adventure of making a person.
Oooh boy, the countdown is on. At 38 weeks I’m feeling… well, a lot of things. Large, for one. Uncomfortable, for another. But mostly what I’ve been feeling lately is a little bit freaked out. For a few weeks, I thought I was freaked out about the actual little person that’s coming along. I thought that I was scared I wouldn’t know how to take care of him or what to do with him. And then one day that thought sort of cleared, and I realized I’m scared for the baby to come because it won’t just be me and my husband any more. It kind of feels like a goodbye.
See, Ryan and I are tight. Like, I know he’s my husband and all, but it’s more than that. We work together, we play together, we’re best friends and spouses and everything in between and he is my favorite thing. And sometimes when I think about the baby that’s coming, I find myself sad (sorry, baby, not your fault) that our days as a party of two are coming to an end. Literally, they’re numbered – around 14 to be exact. It makes me wonder if we’ll be as close, or close in a different way, or if there’s any way to keep our relationship status quo when there will be a sweet little baby around to occupy our every moment.
I know that for a while things will change. Maybe we can’t just pack up for a weekend adventure and take off on a trip. Maybe we won’t have our leisurely standing Friday lunch date. Maybe we’ll forget to look at each other in the morning to check in before our days get started. I guess those things are bound to happen and adjust and morph when you introduce a child into the picture. I just hope that once we find our footing, we’ll also find our way back to what we have now, and that there’s a way to maintain it when we have children.
Am I crazy? Don’t get me wrong; I don’t mean for this to sound like I’m not looking forward to our new little buddy. On top of which, I can’t imagine anyone else in the world who I would want to share that experience with. So maybe that’s the trick – to remember that we’re the luckiest people ever, because we’re the only two people in the world who will get to be our baby’s parents. Just the two of us. Together, on a different type of adventure entirely.
Has anyone else out there felt this way leading up to having your first little one? Was it what you expected after baby came along?
Photo: Chelsea Foy