The Moms You’ll See at Your Holiday Cookie Exchange Party

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It’s the most wonderful time of the year: holiday cookie exchange party time! The best parties in life are the ones you leave with arms teeming with mouth-watering sugar rushes. Yes, they are intended to be used as gifts or served at holiday gatherings, but I think we all know that at least 20 percent of those treats are ending up in your tummy under the cover of night while sitting on the couch.

(No judgment here! My percentage is at least double that.)

Now, if this is your first time attending a holiday cookie exchange, you might be a little nervous, but don’t worry! There are only three things to remember. First, check with the hostess about what you need to bring — she’ll have it all very organized. Second, it’s nice to bring her a hostess gift, too, like a pretty oven mitt and kitchen towel set. And third, each of the following moms will be at the party, and the desserts they bring say a lot about them:

1. The Funny Mom
She replies on the invitation that she is bringing festive decorated sugar cookies. What she fails to mention is that they are in the shape of the sexy A Christmas Story leg lamp, thus both sassy and delicious.

2. The Over-Achieving Mom
She will magically remain crumb-free during the entire festivity, and her handmade French macarons in a tasteful palette of pastel holiday colors will be so pretty and perfect that you’ll be slightly terrified of them.

3. The Mom Whose Kids Have Been Taking Turns Being Sick for a Month
After a relentless five weeks of sleepless nights and clingy coughing/barfing kids, the girl needs to get out and interact with grown-ups who don’t work in her pediatrician’s office. Her cookies are store-bought and her dirty hair might have a rogue Shopkins caught in the tangles, but everybody’s been there and nobody’s saying a thing about it (nope, not even the OAM).

4. The Allergy Mom
So aware of everyone’s needs, she polls all party attendees ahead of time to ensure her concoctions don’t include a single allergen. Enjoy your dairy-free, nut-free, coconut-free, egg-free, gluten-free cranberry hermits!

5. The First-Time Mom
Her due date is coming up fast, so she’s determined to make a good impression on all the lovely neighborhood moms. She spent hours in the kitchen crafting a bevy of itty bitty gingerbread houses, a tradition she has kept up since she was a kid and which she still doesn’t realize will be put on indefinite hold effective the moment that baby springs from her loins.

6. The Fur Baby Mom
It’s times like this when you realize how she has forgotten that her dogs aren’t actual human kids. And by that I mean she will bring dog bone-shaped snickerdoodles to the party and spend most of it curled up on the couch with the hostess’ golden retriever.

7. The Crunchy Mom
She is so so so so nice that everyone will politely take a serving of her flaxseed hemp yogurt wheatgrass concoctions with a smile, but never ever eat them. Good heavens, just NO.

8. The Mom Who Has This Great Opportunity for Other Moms Who Want to Make Money From Home
Sure, her fudgy turtles are divine, but each one comes with a sales pitch that makes you want to give her a swift kick in the shin to remind her that this is a party not an infomercial.

9. The Coffee-Lover Mom
When you hug her hello your nose will be attacked by the distinct aroma of breakfast blend (she’s had seven cups that day already), her biscotti will have actual coffee grinds in them, and there will be a gift card to the local coffee shop taped to the bottom of each plate. NOT THAT SHE’S OVER-CAFFEINATED OR ANYTHING HA HA HA.

10. The Wine-Lover Mom
Oh, she read the invite, but cookies don’t go well with wine, so she’s bringing cheese, instead (which is perfectly acceptable by, well, everyone except the OAM).

11. The Mom Who Is So Sick of Dudes Right Now
Equal parts politically active and sweet, this mom happily attends this shindig in her hot pink “Fight the Patriarchy” t-shirt, bringing with her dozens of gingerbread men carefully cut to look like their heads have all been bitten off.

12. The Pinterest Mom
Each peppermint-themed plate of her peppermint stick cookies will come with a copy of the recipe written in red calligraphy on peppermint-scented paper and tied with a red and white grosgrain bow. It pains her not to chime in with suggestions on how to make the party run even smoothly than it already is.

13. The Grandma
Everyone loves how she calls all the moms “kids” and her whoopee pies are to die for. She has a standing invitation to every party just for these two reasons, alone.

14. The Experienced Mom
She has a lot of kids (four? seven? a hundred? I’ve lost count) and has been to enough of these parties to know what the crowd really wants: Thin Mints. This is why she keeps a deep freezer full of Girl Scout cookies all year long. She is the hero you have been waiting for your whole life.