Nothing is more wonderful than coming home with your new baby except for the fact that it is also overwhelmingly terrifying and—at moments—simply awful. Your heart is filled with love but your mind is very busy rushing from one insane thought to the next in a constant stream of crazy. Oh! And don’t forget to fulfill the basic needs of the human you’re trying to keep alive without freaking out about it. (Note: That last part is impossible.) The first seven days are probably the most bewildering, with equal amounts of adoration, confusion and sleep deprivation making your inner thoughts dizzier than a ride on a Sit ‘n Spin. Enjoy!
1. Am I hallucinating from exhaustion or is his skull pulsating? Maybe both?
2. I MUST IMMEDIATELY RELOCATE TO A HOME WITH NO DOOR JAMBS.
3. She’s not always going to look like a cone-headed old man, right?
4. If one more person comments on my breastfeeding I will cut a bitch.
5. I’m fairly certain that I changed 700 diapers today but haven’t used the toilet even once. Is the baby peeing for me?
6. Maybe the baby is going to actually sleep through the ni—nevermind.
7. My boobs are terrifying.
8. I LOVE HER SO MUCH I CAN’T STAND IT.
9. I’M SO PISSED OFF AT ALL HER CRYING I CAN’T STAND IT.
10. Of course he won’t take the bottles I have. Stupid plastic pieces of waste of time hate you junky dumb oh wait he’s taking it good boy I knew you’d love these bottles!
11. My swaddle is crushing her lungs. I just KNOW it.
12. WHY IS NO ONE FEEDING ME?
13. I’ll sleep more than two hours in a row eventually, right?
14. I hate my husband.
15. Lookit my husband holding da baby I love him so much it huuuurrrrrts.
16. WTF AM I DOING? I DO NOT KNOW WHAT I AM DOING AT ALL.
17. I cannot wait for him to get older.
18. I hope he stays this little forever.
19. This must be what it is like to cuddle Edward Scissorhands. I am bleeding, but I cannot stay away from this lovely creature.
20. I’m swaying. Where’s the baby? Why am I swaying if I’m not holding the baby?
21. He’s mine.
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