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Photos No One Wants to See of Your Kid (*So Stop Sharing Them on Social Media)

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Children are innately beautiful creatures. They have sparkly eyes, pinchable cheeks, and smiles that can make us mere mortals melt into puddles of smitten ooze. We look at our own offspring and assume the world would want to bask in the glory that is everything they ever do as often as we want to, so take those photos and share every last one of them on social media. This is why somebody needs to lay down the law and let us know which of those should not be on Facebook. (Spoiler alert: most of them.)

  1. Actively using the potty (or, OK, even just sitting on it). If you don’t want pictures of me trying to take a crap, don’t show me pictures of your kids trying to take craps.
  2. After he has pooped his pants. That brown smear isn’t chocolate? Pardon me while I vomit forever.
  3. After she has wet her pants. Now I just feel bad for the kid.
  4. While he is spewing, or just spewed. If anything at all is leaving the child’s mouth in a projectile fashion, NO. Just…stop it. We can’t unsee what should never have been seen. Just quit it with the sharing of all the body fluids/matter, okay?
  5. After she has just lost her tooth. A smiling kid holding a quarter is cute. Zooming into the bloody mass of pulp in her mouth is most decidedly not.
  6. While he is not wearing any clothes. How do you not know that putting nude pics of children on the internet is a bad thing yet? Don’t you get “Dateline” where you live?
  7. Doing something impressive and spontaneous that clearly wasn’t. You’re pretending you caught junior’s mad skillz/funny antics on camera when we can CLEARLY see your husband in the reflection of the mirror you seem to have forgotten is in the background, helping the tot do his trick. We will never forget this moment, you big fat liars.
  8. While she is feverish. Your poor kid is so weak from illness she can’t tell you to stop taking pictures of him to post for sympathy emojis so please, allow me. CUT THAT SH*T OUT.
  9. While she is covered in a rash. The Internet does not take your insurance, so please quit posting questionable rashes on unidentifiable baby body parts and asking us to diagnose that nastiness. Ew.
  10. Doing something insanely dangerous. Children are more than capable of finding a way to turn even the most mundane activity into a brush with death. There’s no need to delay saving her ass just to snap a picture of your little pre-K Evel Knievel in action, or for you to take stupid chances for a “funny” shot (ie: pretending to feed him to an actual shark). Our job is to keep them from harm, not entertain our Facebook friends at the expense of our kids’ safety.
  11. The same picture, 18 different ways. You know you don’t have to load them all into your Facebook album, right? There’s a delete button for that. Luckily, there’s also an un-Friend button, too.

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Photo: Getty