All the Things I Secretly Do When My Kids Aren’t Looking

I’m a good parent (no really, my mom told me so), but I have my breaking points. Sometimes it’s hard to get through a rigorous day of parenting when my kids are whining and crying and making a mess and peeing in their pants and getting splinters and whatever else. I love my kids. More than anything. But sometimes I need to unleash, you know? Do something secretly when my kids aren’t looking so I won’t get asked a million questions — because I don’t know about you, but my daughter is a little detective. And even though I encourage her to be honest and tell me everything, sometimes mama’s gotta be sneaky. Check out this list of all the things I secretly do when my kids aren’t looking and see if I missed anything! 

1. Sneak candy. It’s true, I’ve been known to eat candy (even after I tell my daughter she can’t have any because it’ll rot her teeth).

2. Check email or texts. I know, I know, it makes me look so distracted, but sometimes I need to connect with the outside world.

3. Eat their food. My kids may refuse to eat dinner, but they flip if they see me nibbling so much as a pea from their plates. God forbid I get to eat, too!

4. Throw away artwork. When my daughter comes home daily with mountains of drawings, I kinda have to pick n’ choose and throw out the duds. Sounds heartless, but it’s either that or live like a hoarder.

5. Watch videos. First I’m checking Facebook, and then suddenly I’m watching the new Justin Beiber video. I don’t even know how I got there … but I may as well finish it, y’know, just to see how it ends.

6. Flip ’em off. My kids give me a lot of ‘tude, so hell yeah I flip ’em the bird when their backs are turned. Hey, it’s quicker stress relief than counting to 10!

7. Buy (& wrap) presents. I am always with my kids so it’s impossible to shop without them around. As soon as their backs are turned, I’m shoving a Barbie in the bottom of the cart and wrapping it on a high countertop while the kids play blocks on the floor.

Related: Why I Refuse to Be a ‘Perfect Mom’ (+ Everything I’m Doing Wrong)

8. Add veggies. Here, have a brownie,” I say maniacally. Little does my daughter know I’ve grated an entire zucchini into the batter. Ah, the power!

9. Dig for boogers. No matter how often I reprimand my kids for picking their noses, sometimes I gotta get up in there, too.

10. Invoke the 5 second (er, minute) rule. I mean, seriously. If I threw away every single morsel of food that fell on the floor …

11. Cry. Downer! But sometimes I want a little pity party without a million questions, ya know?

12. Change tampons. Ew, right? But my daughter is way too fascinated by this monthly ritual. Sorry kid, but this activity does not require an audience.

13. Brush their hair. That rats nest is a lot easier to tackle when my daughter is caught off guard.

14. Swear. Oh f*ck yeah. I swear like a Tarantino movie when my kids aren’t looking (I mean, er, listening).

15. Work. I’ll jump on the chance to squeeze in a bit of work (like this article!).

16. Take photos. There’s something awesome about the pics I snap when the kids think I’m not looking.

17. Hide annoying toys. And by annoying, I mean loud. Sayonara Sing-A-Ma-Jig Thing!

18. Pour a glass of wine. You know, assuming it’s a reasonable time of day…

19. Close my eyes. Unfortunately it’s not a definitive nap, but it’s better than nothing.

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