nicoleleighshaw

All the Reasons Why January Hates Moms

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January is here! And it’s not just Polar Vortex and darkness by 4:43 p.m. It’s also a perfect month for seething anger over anything and everything! Below zero wind chill? Super pissed. Need to go out in bad weather? Someone will pay for this. Kids are whining “It’s too cold outside”? Kick a kitten.

Fact: April showers bring May flowers. Other fact: January brings slushy car mats and endless amounts of cursing. You’ll curse out the science fair, curse out the piles of school papers that have been growing since September, and curse out the weather because your children are always inside…and it’s just the beginning of the crazy-making indoor togetherness.

It’s hard to believe, but in six months we’re all going to be sick of slathering sunscreen on the kids and trying to convince them that the only thing that comes from piling wet towels in a mound on the back porch is mildew. But right now we are all about hating winter, with its missing snow gloves and school cancellations.

Now that the holidays have come to a close, it’s time for Seasonal Affective Disorder, and the lesser known Seasonal Homicidal Rage.

January is a frosty b*tch. Sure, February can be more brutal, but by then we’ve already been broken by the steady increase to our heating bill. Yes, this month the thermostat war begins. There is no compromise, there is either too hot for Satan or so cold that polar bears club baby seals just to stay warm.

In January the indoor sports happen. This means your children wear shorts and tees to games and practices, layered under 50 pounds of fleece they have to wear if they are to survive the sprint from car to overheated gymnasium. Nothing says sweaty momma like wrestling a first grader out of snow boots and into basketball shoes. And nothing makes a mom angrier than boob sweat when the perky mom from down the road perkies past in non-sweat-stained Lululemon.

School is so needy in January. Your kids are either rehearsing for spring musicals or prepping for end-of-year math bowls—or both. This is when the science fair and the jazz band concert breed to create calendar chaos. You won’t see your family all in one place until April. Though, that may be a bonus. Someone says “potato,” someone else says “vodka.” 

Wet kid hair cannot be tolerated on freezing January mornings. Standing under the hair dryer cannot be tolerated by your wet-haired child. Loser? Mom. Winner? January.

In January you’ll feel the pressure to get organized, stay fit, eat healthy, and get a handle on your finances. You won’t do any of those things, however, because school is so needy and sports are so pricey and time is so limited that you’ll barely manage to grab three kid’s meals on the way to the singing trigonometry tournaments that you’re late for. Again.

It’s not your fault that January hates moms. It’s just the calendar’s way of saying, “We aren’t besties.”

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