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7 Terrifying Things My Preschoolers Do Behind My Back

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Why does it feel like I can’t get more than two weeks of peace with my twins? We did the terrible twos and the threenager year and I thought we were finally in a good place, nice and settled in the fours. But nooooo, once again, some growth spurt, or developmental spurt, or disruption in the world order has made my kids almost unmanageable again. Once again, my preschoolers have me barely clinging to my sanity.

I’ll admit, my 4-year-old twin boys are particularly mischievous. And they want to do everything themselves. And they don’t listen very well. So they’re like these confident, resourceful little devils with no common sense and selective hearing. They are now fully capable of getting into real trouble, like real, real danger trouble, without the impulse control to warn them that this ain’t such a good idea. So, yeah, sh*t’s going down in my house and it’s terrifying.

Think I’m being dramatic? Oh, I’m not. I’m gonna give you a very honest account of all of the scary, messy, “oh nooooo” things my little rascals have gotten into, just in the last two weeks alone. And some of these things happened within the same two-hour period of time. For real. I know that many of their crazy stunts are done with good intentions, but it still gives me palm-sweating, heart-palpitating anxiety. (Mothers of boys, and especially mothers of twin boys, will feel me.)

1. They tried to make me coffee. Aw, sweet right? I mean, yes, kind of, except it’s scary to wake up to clanking in the kitchen, only to discover one preschooler standing on the counter trying to take down a coffee mug, while the other has filled a carafe with water, with the intention of refilling the Keurig. So so so many things could have gone wrong, from falling off of the counter, to shattering a mug into sharp, child-piercing shards, to dumping an entire carafe of water on top of an electrified coffee machine. Their accomplice: the adorable personalized step stools from their bathroom. (More on those evil little chairs to come…)

2. They let themselves out into the front yard…with a friend. My boys had a set of boy/girl twins over for a playdate and they were all playing in our safe, child-friendly yard, when the little girl came running in to inform us that the three boys had escaped. Escaped? Escaped where? I went running outside only to realize that the side gate was open — the one with the sticky latch that even I can’t seem to unstick — and the three boys were barefoot and running around in our front yard, just steps from the street. Then, when I went to herd them back into the yard, my boys started running in different directions, laughing maniacally, like escaped mental patients. Soon after, they decided to get naked, for no good reason, just to be naked, once again pointing to clear signs of insanity.

3. One twin cut his own hair. I know, I know, this happens, but I guess I never realized it was something that boys do as well. I had gone into the kitchen to fetch my coffee, and when I came back, there were two large locks of hair on the floor, and there was my son, with a pair of children’s scissors in his hand and dopey cowlicks on either side of his head.

4. One almost jumped out the ground-floor bedroom window. Thank God we have a security system because we woke up early one morning to blaring alarm sirens, only to find that one boy had unlocked and opened the bedroom window. In fact, he was still standing in the window frame — yes, IN the window frame – when we got there. 

5. They’ve been performing stunts. When the boys are in their room by themselves, we often hear odd thumps and bumps, followed by laughter, sometimes whispering. I have tried to adopt my friend’s attitude of “it’s better not to know,” especially since I never really hear any crying. When I do go to investigate, I usually find them on their bed or on the floor, without any evidence of dangerous goings-on. Then, a couple of weeks ago, my friend peeked in on our kids, only to find them leaping from their dresser onto their beds. 

6. They try to clean up their own bathroom accidents. If you have boys, you know that they often get pee all over the bathroom. It’s not such a big deal to clean up their little dribbles. It IS a big deal to clean up the mess they make trying to clean up their own little dribbles. I’ve now walked into their bathroom several times to puddles of bubbly water on the floor, their hand towels dripping with liquid and foaming Spiderman soap. 

7. They try to clean up each other. My boys still wear diapers at night, and often go #2 while they’re sleeping. I’ve told them not to take off their own diapers, for just that reason, and to call me if they want to get cleaned up. One morning, they decided to just ignore that advice, and when I came into their room, I noticed a poop diaper on the floor, wipes beside it, and both boys were fully dressed. I immediately took off the one boy’s clothes so I could clean him properly, explaining to him that he shouldn’t try to clean himself up. His response, “I didn’t clean myself, my brother did.” I look over at his brother, just chilling with his Curious George in his arms and yell, “Wash your hands! Go wash your hands now!” I still throw up a little in my mouth whenever I think about it.

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