One of my favorite perks of owning a Smartphone is having a pretty nifty camera at the ready at all times. I used to be the mom with the flip-phone in her pocket and a huge digital SLR camera weighing down her diaper bag. I’d whip it out to take shot after shot of my offspring frolicking in the autumn leaves for our holiday card, giggling at the park when my husband was at work, and doing pretty much anything while zoomed in for the kind of close-ups that only a parent can appreciate (or want to see countless photo albums filled with). I treated that camera like my third baby, lugging it around everywhere I went, protecting it from my kids’ dangerous hands, tenderly looking it over for damage or smudges at the end of the day. It was heavy, expensive, and made me look like a tourist in my own backyard.
Once I joined the masses by upgrading my lame-o phone, I was excited at the freedom that having such a slim, lightweight, no-neck-strap-required, quality camera to click away with. Oh, the potential I saw in this development! I could act like a photojournalist, capturing unscripted moments with wild abandon! Fill albums with special moments snapped in natural lighting with ease! Hold onto my kids’ beautiful expressions as they interacted with one another, unaware of my clicking away!
Then reality hit.
As soon as my kids saw I had a Smartphone with a camera on it, they became professional pickpockets with one goal: GET MOM’S PHONE AND PHOTOGRAPH ALL THE THINGS REALLY REALLY UP CLOSE.
Kids don’t just snap pics with our phones, they capture images of themselves so special they deserve their own take on the word “selfie.” Behold, the various kinds of pictures kids take with our phones:
Selfie of mostly the inside of their mouth, but often the exterior of the mouth with a tongue and possibly a string of drool hanging out.
All you see is their nostrils.
Forcing a pet to be in the picture with them. It is typical (but not required) for the beloved pet to look terrified in this image.
Blurry selfies because they never sit still for a frickin’ second or bang on the shutter button with the force of someone trying to win a round of Whack-a-Mole.
5. Belfies (Version one)
Regular selfies with mom or dad’s belly in the background caught at only the most unflattering angles.
6. Belfies (Version two)
Deliberate selfies of their own abdominal region, usually with the end goal of using the flash the see inside their own belly button.
No less than 217 pics in a row looking down at their own feet while walking through the house.
When siblings try to cram into a selfie together by strangling one another in the process.
They inadvertently catch themselves in the act of doing something and put the evidence in your phone’s photo album. These are obviously the best kind, for they are real time-savers for you.
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Photos: Kim Bongiorno