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How to Raise Your Kids, According to the Internet

 

How to raise your kids according to the internet via @ItsMomtastic by @letmestart

Remember the days when people only had their parents, trusted friends, and helpful neighbors to chime in with advice on how to raise their kids? Well, those days are over.

Now with the Internet and easy access to social media—as well as complete lack of personal boundaries—there are a sea of opinions whether you want them or not, and the only way to make all of those strangers on Twitter, Facebook, and the like satisfied with your child-rearing decisions? Follow these steps…

1. Read all the right books. There are over 59,000 Parenting books on Amazon right now. Make sure you choose the right ones, then read all articles online and blog posts that refer to those books to make sure you completely understand them.

2. No, not those books—THE OTHER ONES. You only need to focus on sleeping, eating, potty training, reprimanding, and educating children as well as physical fitness, nutrition, fine motor skills, artistic expression, medical milestones, verbal skills, reading, fashion, and exposure to media outlets. So, just the basics.

3. Share a story on Facebook about how something from one of those books genuinely helped you. Make sure it is heartfelt and has an adorable picture of your kid in it. Emphasize how much it solved a big concern of yours and brought your family closer together.

4. Get told in the comments that you are wrong. Because obviously you are wrong. Why would you think the grateful, content feeling in your heart is a good thing, dummy?

5. Blindly do whatever the strangers on the Internet tell you to do. Ignore your success/happiness and follow their exact instructions. Read every link each well-meaning person (parent or not) who clearly knows your kids/family/needs better than you drops that explains a totally different way to do what you did. Buy the books they recommend, read them all, read a new slew of articles and blog posts that refer to them, and put those tactics into action.

6. Circle back to step #3. Someone is bound to publicly post on your wall to see how you’re coming along with all the advice they gave you. How could you possibly not follow up with them on your success?

Graphic: Kim Bongiorno