I tip my cappuccino to Misters Dolce and Gabbana for honoring motherhood with their latest runway show, “Viva la Mamma!” It’s always nice when a couple of gentlemen who appreciate the female form shine a spotlight on the hardest job around and highlight its splendor.
Sure, these women were swathed in glorious frocks that screamed Dry Clean Only even to the untrained eye, but the message was clear: they think motherhood is beautiful.
Kudos for the bra straps hanging out of comfortable-looking tops, the hips on the quite pregnant model, and the baby who was trying to plank his way out of his mothers’ arms on the runway. However, if they really wanted to make a show that moms could relate to, they were missing a few things:
1. Why didn’t the models go Spanx-less? If they had, I would have seen at least one Muffin Top or Mother’s Apron flap. That’s how mammas roll, baby.
2. No kid on stage was eating crackers. No mom on stage was holding crackers. THIS NEVER HAPPENS. MOTHERHOOD IS ALWAYS ABOUT THE SNACKS.
3. The fresh faces were divine, but how about some first-time-mom-at-41 representation up there? I want to see some relatable wrinkles, dammit!
4. A bit more diversity on stage would be nice. Not just race, but size, shape, ability to walk in a straight line after not sleeping for three years, and moms who have no choice but to wear their babies because OMG COLIC.
5. All the older kids seemed so well behaved. Really? All of them? And at the same time? How does this happen?
6. Why weren’t any of the moms counting to three?
7. Why weren’t any of the moms on their iPhones humble-bragging on Facebook or snapping pics of their kids for Instagram? In fact, where were their iPhones?
8. Not a single model had a smear of poop, jelly, or spit-up on/all over her.
9. Unless my eyes deceived me, no one needed her roots touched up.
10. I don’t recall anyone shouting, “MAMA I NEED TO PEEEEEE” from the sidelines.
11. Moms have way more facial hair than these gals do. Like, mutton-chops facial hair. Thanks, pregnancy hormones!
12. The dresses were magical. The sleek accessories caused heart palpitations. But where were things we could wear to the park? Or while sitting on our living room floor? Do Dolce and Gabbana make yoga pants or overalls?
13. Not a single woman on stage was interrupted while she was trying to get something done.
14. Some of the moms were wearing white. HAHAHAHAHA. That’s adorable.
Now those are just a few things I think they could incorporate into their next mom-centric runway show. Is there anything else we should add to the list?
Photos: Getty (promo); video (Instagram/Dolce & Gabbana)