Using a breast pump can be a lonely business. Sitting there, glued to a chair while the world goes on around you. No, don’t worry about me, you mutter. I’ll just sit here, hunched over and bored while a machine heartlessly tugs on my boobs. Everyone else gets to enjoy the use of both hands and the ability to walk more than five feet from the power socket, but not me. No, not for at least another 10 minutes.
Yeah, pumping can really suck (get it?), but as we pumpers know, we’re not really alone when we’re using our pumps. Bottleful by bottleful, we are making a new friend: Pumpella, Wheezy, The Pincher. Whatever you call her, she is stern, demanding, she’s got no style, and I’m convinced that my pump is talking to me — hissing out subliminal messages very persuasively. She’s always got something to say, but here are the top six message I have received during our frequent one-on-ones.
Au naturel! Au naturel! Au naturel!
As in, get naked? I already spend half my day topless, flashing the world as I struggle to feed a frantic baby. Thanks, Pumpella, but I don’t think I need any more incentive to strip off.
Why not go? Why not go? Why not go?
I like this one. It’s ambiguous, but encouraging. I mean, first I have to get a life, and a babysitter, and find somewhere worth going … but then, yeah, why not go?
Doughnut crawl! Doughnut crawl! Doughnut crawl!
Like, a bar crawl with donuts? For a girl with a sweet tooth, this is a very cruel proposal. But, now that I’m thinking about it — all the glazed, the powdered, the cinnamon — f*ck it. Sign me up!
Wacko! Wacko! Wacko!
I never used to think I was crazy, but maybe I am. Wheezy can be very convincing, and the more she says it, the more I believe her.
Oh My God! Oh My God! Oh My God!
This one always sounds like an ’80s robot valley girl. Like, oh-ma-gawd! It’s a constant SNL skit inside my head. Over and over and over again. It is, like, totally annoying to the max.
Waterfall! Waterfall! Waterfall!
On the one hand, this message makes me have to pee, which sucks because I’m stuck on the couch pumping. But, also, it makes me think of TLC. Stop putting ’90’s pop songs in my head, Wheezy! Please, stick to the rivers and the lakes that you’re used to.
Everyone’s breast pump says something different. What does yours say to you?
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