I’m up all night, my third night in a row. My baby boy is getting a tooth and just can’t quite get comfortable. He’s fussy and in pain and only seems to calm down when I hold him. As I rock him back and forth while listening to him snooze, I count the hours until I have to get up for the day. I can’t help but wonder why babies aren’t born with teeth. Has anyone else thought of this? Sure, I understand the whole, “Wow those teeth are going to hurt in labor” logic of it all. But let’s face it, labor hurts no matter what. Why not throw a few bicuspids into the equation and save us moms all those sleepless nights spent holding our crying teething babies?
Then I get to think about all the other ways babies could be improved. Sure every mom thinks her baby is perfect, but wouldn’t that baby be just a bit more perfect if he could chew his own food or tell you when he’s tired? And since everything from cars to post-its has been perfected over time, why not babies? Here are 10 things that would make a better baby — from day one.
1. Give babies teeth from birth: In a perfect world, babies are born with teeth and can go through the whole cranky/teething phase in utero where I won’t know the difference. Sure no one wants to breastfeed a baby with bicuspids that could bite, but it’s a small price to pay for missing that whole teething phase.
2. Let them talk! Instead of spending hours trying to figure out what your crying baby is trying to communicate (“Mom, I want to go bed!”), wouldn’t it be great if that baby were simply born talking?
3. Make them specific: Babies think they’re being very clear when they say, “Look at that” while pointing toward a room full of a whole lot of “thats.” If little ones would just be more specific, we moms wouldn’t have to spend so much time banging our heads into the wall.
4. Equip them with fine motor skills: Since every human will eventually need to know how to use their hands to pick up stuff, why not give babies the ability to use their hands as chopsticks from birth?
5. They should be able to go to sleep on their own: Babies can fall asleep in the womb, so why not after birth? If babies were born with the ability to get themselves to sleep, life would be a whole lot easier for mom and dad.
6. They should be able to burp: The simple reflex of pushing a bubble out of one’s mouth seems to be lost on babies. So instead of making mom spend a half hour trying to help her kid release a burp that may or may not be there, babies should be born burping themselves.
7. Let them control their bladder: Diapers, toilet training, and getting pee’d on would all be avoided if the little one could simply wait to go number one (and two!).
8. They should be able to read a clock: If babies were born telling time it would be a whole lot easier to understand when mom says, “Go back to bed. It’s only 5 am.”
9. Babies should have patience: Think of how many moms wouldn’t be driven to the brink of insanity if they birthed a patient kid who didn’t scream, “Now!” all the time. A girl can dream!
10. Give them the strength to hold themselves up: If babies could simply hold themselves up from birth, every mom in the world would have spent less time at the chiropractor wondering how she got a hunchback and carpal tunnel.
If you could make babies new and improved, what would you suggest?