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10 Things I Never Want To See My Kids Do

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Please say this is a hoax. Please say this is a hoax. Please say this is a hoax,
I think while reading the story of Nyjah Cousar, the girl in her mid-20s who accidentally sent a nude selfie to her dad. Yeah, nude. Yeah, to her dad.

I’m also thinking:

If it’s not a hoax I’ll bet her dad is rocking back and forth in a corner wishing the image of his nude daughter away.

Who did she mean to send the photo to? Again, that’s a thought that can send a parent into a full on state of crazy.

I have a daughter. Is she going to someday grow up and send naked photos of herself across the…

I stop thinking right there. Because there are few images more unsettling than that of my little girl growing up to being a big girl showing her boobs on the Internet. Sure, I did my share of high school or college flashing, but that was far more temporary. No one could forward it or save it to Instagram.

So while I don’t know if the story is a hoax or not, it does get me thinking. There are a lot of things I don’t want to see either of my kids do:

1. Have sex. I know this will happen at some point in their lives, hopefully when they are thoughtful adults who can make the proper choices about partners and birth control.  But my kids could be 18 or 80 and I don’t want to walk in on either of my children doing the deed. Ew!

2. Get seriously hurt. Any parent is in for seeing their kids get a lot of broken arms, head bumps, and scraped knees. Gosh, I hope that’s all I have to witness. I hope that’s all any parent has to witness.

3. Get drunk. I know what I was doing at 14, so I know what my kids will probably be doing at 14. I’m not naïve, but I hope my kids will be safe and ideally won’t be kids when they get drunk. They’ve got a lifetime as adults to make drunken asses of themselves. I don’t need to see that either.

4. Take drugs. Drugs are a heartbreak from which every parent tries to protect their child. I hope my kids miss this experimental phase of life. Nothing good comes from doing illegal drugs. Nothing.

5. Dance on a tabletop. I suppose it looks cute to watch young celebs dance on tabletops while their skirts creep north of being a belt, but no one watching thinks it’s cute. I hope my daughter has the good sense and dignity to skip dancing on tabletops. And for god’s sake, don’t do it front of me! I’ll be horrified.

6. Throw up. Kids tend to throw up so no parent is spared this one, but I happen to be one of those lucky soles who throws up when someone else does. So when I say I don’t want to see my kids do this, I mean I don’t want to see them do it. Their dad can help with this one.

7. Smoke cigarettes. I’m not a smoker myself and I’d be pretty disappointed if my kids took up this habit. It’s unhealthy and it’s dangerous and I can’t imagine ever feeling good seeing my kids smoke, even when they’re all grown up.

8. Get a tattoo. Tattoos can be gorgeous and a great form of expression. They’re also permanent and painful. So I don’t want to see my kids ink up their bodies. I like them au natural.

9. Pierce something that’s not an ear. Like I said, I like my kids au natural. I don’t want to see them piercing their tongues, toes, or anything in between. Hopefully, they’ll just stick to pierced ears. I’d be happy to share my earrings.

10. Share a naked selfie. I don’t want to see my grown kids naked. I don’t want to know that they are sending naked photos of themselves across the Internet. And I don’t want to see the photos! I’m totally content remembering their cute little naked, chubby baby bodies, well into their adult years (and mine!). Let’s just leave it at that.

So I have to ask, what don’t you want to see your kids do?

Photo: Getty