Maybe I’m just a moron, but before I had kids I had no actual concept of how my life was going to change.
I was living in some kind of unicorn fantasy where I would still go salsa dancing, get my hair done regularly, work out, eat out, hang out with my girlfriends, and basically continue life as usual, just with a sweet baby somewhere nearby. Most likely sleeping peacefully or cooing happily while playing with an educational toy.
And I certainly never expected that I would become one of those moms who I saw at the grocery store wearing mismatched house slippers and shrieking at her kids to stop using the pineapple display as their own personal jungle gym.
(Note to self: Throw away mismatched house slippers.)
But the truth is motherhood changes you. And it’s not all bad.
That said, it would still be nice if someone let you in on a few secrets of the mommy underground ahead of time. Here are the top 10 things I wish I knew before I had kids of my own:
- Using the bathroom by yourself is a privilege, not a right.
- You will spend more time fishing things out of the toilet than you will care to admit.
- Babies have a unique taste palate that causes them to think your homemade organic sweet potato and apple medley is disgusting, while they will happily devour lint balls, dead flies, lost buttons and other unmentionables that they find on your floor.
- You will wish you hadn’t spent so much time being critical of your pre-baby body when your boobs were still located in the northern hemisphere and you didn’t wet yourself every time you laughed or sneezed.
- That is really is possible to exist on 2.5 hours of sleep per night. (Note: I didn’t say function, I said exist.)
- No matter how great of a mom you are, you will spent at least half of your waking hours feeling exceedingly guilty about something.
- The amount of time you spend preparing an activity for your children will be inversely proportional to the amount of time they will enjoy doing it. (i.e. Skip the elaborate Martha Stewart inspired craft projects, throw a bunch of used toilet paper rolls and some glitter paint on the floor and let the natives go wild. It’s a win-win for everyone.)
- A shocking number of diced vegetables can fit inside a toddler’s nose.
- Random strangers will think they know your baby better than you do and offer expert advice on everything from naps and diapering techniques to appropriate bathing schedules and how long you should keep your baby’s toenails.
- When you’re having an off day, a single peanut butter smeared kiss from your little monster can put the whole planet back into rotation.