The 5 People I Really Don’t Need ‘Help’ From

When we had a baby last year, my husband and I were grateful for our loved ones. So many of our friends and family members came to visit, and we were excited to introduce them to our new baby. I was so overjoyed with all the love we received that I just rolled with it when our guests created extra work for me, like requesting hot coffee and leaving messes for me to clean up. But, now that our baby is older — and I’ve come to my senses — I’m done with the kind of “help” that isn’t so helpful. So, if you’re one of these helpful people? Let’s just skip the ruse. You’re welcome to come see the baby, but please don’t bother to, uh, help.


1. My father 
I love my dad, but he gets offended (yet never does anything about it) whenever the baby cries in his arm. I’m using the word arm, singular, here because the guy is always holding a drink in one hand when the baby is in the other. 
2. My mother-in-law
Speaking of people who don’t actually do anything, the woman will complain that my baby is “in a bad mood,” but doesn’t change a diaper, rock her, give her a pacifier, offer her a teething toy, or anything. She just sits there snapping pictures nonstop as the baby wails. How helpful! 
3. My friend with the sick kid
Why is it always after she’s arrived that I’m told her kid has been home from school all week long? Oh and by the way, I did notice that he just touched my baby’s face without washing his hands. Thanks in advance for casting the stomach bug upon my whole family.
4. My friend whose kid wants to babysit
I loved babies when I was 8, too. And I’m sure the third grader is more capable of changing a diaper than the grandparents mentioned above. But I’m not ready to “go out and have some fun” while someone too young for a training bra is in charge of my precious firstborn. 
5. Anyone who “knows better” than I do
I totally respect that their kids “turned out just fine,” despite being placed in their cribs on their tummies or given cow’s milk at nine months. However, my co-parent and I call the shots when it comes to this baby, so anyone who’s going to do it “their way,” is not doing it in my home.