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5 Reasons Why I Could Never Do a Nude Photo Shoot (Sorry, Honey)

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Last spring, Kanye West posted nude photos of Kim Kardashian on Twitter to, in his words, “celebrate” the fact that his wife had reached 30 million Twitter followers. But, that doesn’t seem like much of a gift to me. What happened to buying her a card or flowers? Of course, having a nude photo shoot isn’t a Hollywood trend — lots of people have their own stash of nudies. But here’s the thing: I could never pose for naked photos — with or without my husband. Here’s why:

I’m not that comfortable being naked. You know that gal who walks around the gym locker room with nothing but moisturizer on? Or that lady who’s totally fine having a full conversation at the spa while wearing nothing but a scrunchy? That’s not me! I don’t need to wear a burka to be comfortable, but I do need a towel. Or clothing. I like clothing. And I like to be photographed in it.

OMG! I’m so not photogenic. I’m not! No matter what I do or how I try to pose like the supermodels do, I always look a bit contorted and uncomfortable in photos. That’s because I am! So I can’t imagine how tortured I’d look getting photographed without clothes on. It’s just too embarrassing!

I have the worst luck. If there are keys to be lost, I lose them. If there’s an e-mail I don’t mean to send, I accidentally send it. If there’s bad luck, it finds me. So I can’t imagine having a phone or computer filled with pictures only my ob-gyn should see. With my luck, they’d end up in my daughter’s preschool newsletter by accident. It’s just too risky.

When it comes to my body, I’m my own worse critic. Even when my husband posts a nice (clothed) photo of me and the kids to Facebook, I scrutinize it for hours. Truth be told, I see all my flaws in photos and assume everyone who sees the photo does too. I’m fine with posting flaws of my face or shoulders, but my lady parts? No thank you! Some things are better left unscrutinized.

I’d be terrified my husband would want to take more. Just because I would have no fun taking nudies doesn’t mean my husband wouldn’t think it’s the sexiest, most amazing thing we’ve ever done. That means I might have to do it again. And while I can imagine getting comfortable in front of the camera once for posterity and a good laugh, I can’t imagine making a habit of it. Try telling that to a husband with a camera. No thank you.

An expert might suggest taking nude photos as a great way to get over being uncomfortable in front of the camera. But I’m totally comfortable being uncomfortable in front of the camera…as long as I’m wearing clothes. Sorry, honey.

Photo: Getty