9 Signs That My Husband’s Reality Is Very Different from Mine

bboard template
My husband is an amazing dad. A hands-on dad. A dad that can pack a diaper bag for a full day out and not forget a thing. A dad that could take care of my kid for a weekend all on his own and I wouldn’t give it a second worry because he knows the drill. We approach parenting as a 50-50 team in our house. That’s awesome, right? It is. Most of the time. But this also lends itself to an issue I like to call “My husband thinks he knows my life.” He actually thinks the division of labor is 50-50. He thinks we do the same job, and therefore I often feel under-appreciated and taken for granted. Because believe me, we don’t do the same job. Here’s why my husband doesn’t know my life.

1. He thinks “cleaning” means taking out the garbage. Or, occasionally wiping down the sink he has recently shaved lots of hair into. He sometimes has to fold his own laundry and might clean out the dishwasher once a week if I nag him incessantly to do so. His version of “deep cleaning” involves paper towels. And anytime he does any of those things, it is a big production and he needs a cookie or parade of gratitude after he’s finished. I do all of the other cleaning, all of the time, no one even notices, and I definitely don’t get a thank you.

2. He believes that picking up milk counts as grocery shopping. The only time my husband goes to the grocery store is when I text him a short grocery list consisting of basics I know he can find, and I list them in the order that he’ll encounter them at the store. And he always forgets at least two items.

3. He goes to bed whenever he feels like it, and he sleeps all night long. When our toddler wakes up during the night, my husband doesn’t even hear him, let alone get up with him. I have literally gotten up five times in one night (and been up for hours) with at least one crying child, and in the morning my husband will have no freaking clue that everyone in the house didn’t get the same peaceful sleep that he did.

4. He enjoys a leisurely breakfast every morning. The first thing my husband does when he wakes up in the morning is eat an enormous bowl of cereal. The first thing I do is nurse the baby. Then make the older kid’s breakfast. I might get some breakfast before lunchtime. If I’m lucky.

5. He poops without an audience. He even gets to read while he poops. I get about two minutes to poop, and I’m dealing with at least one child’s needs at the same time. And I haven’t read a magazine in five years.

6. He goes to the movies. When my husband gets an afternoon off from parenting to do something outside of the house without the kids, he does something just for himself like seeing a movie. When I get a break from the kids, I’m doing the grocery shopping, cleaning the house, or trying to take care of myself (like taking a shower for the first time in three days).

7. He takes a shower every day. Regardless of what is going on, whether the kids are awake or asleep, whether he has somewhere to go or not, my husband gets a shower every day. I’ve actually seen him leaning against the shower wall with his eyes closed, body half in the water, just enjoying a leisurely shower. When I get to take a shower (and it is not every day) I have about five minutes to get it done. It’s a luxury to condition my hair, and forget about having time to shave my legs.

8. He has time to exercise almost every day. Enough said.

9. He thinks giving the kids a bath is my job. In fact, if I ask him to bathe both of our children he thinks I’m asking him to do part of my job. You know, because we are all about the 50-50 split. (If I were texting this I would be including about 500 crying-laughing emojis here.)

The thing is, I wouldn’t care about all of that stuff if he occasionally said, “Wow, I don’t know how you do it.” Or “You’re superwoman.” Or perhaps “I could never do what you do.” But instead, he thinks we have it the same. He thinks he knows my life. But he doesn’t know sh*t.

More from The B*tch Board:

Photo: Getty