imnotthenanny

How I Handled it When My Daughter Found My Vibrator

shutterstock_138386519
I think every woman needs a vibrator. The make and model may vary depending on each woman’s personal preference, but we all need B.O.B. (battery operated boyfriend). Bonus points if you can also use it with your partner. You shouldn’t keep it hidden in your drawer either because nothing ruins the mood like jumping out of your warm bed to rummage for your vibrator. I used to keep my BOB stuck in between the mattress pad and the mattress until I must have “missed” it in my post orgasmic stupor and it got wedged between my nightstand and the bed. That’s the time my kid found my vibrator.

It started so innocently. My then 3-year-old daughter picked up the lilac device and asked, “Mommy, what is this?” For a little girl who loves pink, lilac is the next best thing. She was a crow, and my vibrator was her shiny object.

I froze in panic, mentally cursing myself for not realizing that my vibe was not in its hiding spot. Thankfully it wasn’t a phallic-shaped vibe.  “Uh, it’s mommy’s back massager!” I mustered with as much cheer as I could to hide my panic.

“How does it work?” Damn. Why did I have to encourage her to be a scientist and discover the world around her? Right then she discovered the knob and turned straight to the highest setting.

A buzzing sound filled the room.

At that time, I was selling sex toys at in-home parties to housewives. Instead of hawking lidded food containers, my plastics needed batteries. My plastics buzzed instead of burped. So there I was, the Sex Toy Lady, at a lost for words because I didn’t follow my own advice to hide my vibrator away from small, nosey children.

Like in a sock drawer. Or a pink lock box. (Yes, I even sold such lock boxes.)

As I struggled to come up with a response, my daughter jumped up. “Let me give you a massage!” She was so excited about her new discovery that she immediately started massaging my back with it. “How does that feel?”

“Uh, that feels great! Ok, let’s go read a book!” I quickly took the buzzing lilac “back massager” from her. “Why don’t you go pick out a book and I’ll read it to you?”

Thank goodness for three-year-old attention spans. She ran off to look for a book. Not quite recovered from my parenting fail, I turned off the vibrator and threw it–you guessed it–right into my sock drawer. 

Crisis averted. For now.

What did you do when your kid found your vibrator?

More on Sex Toys: